Sailing Alone

When you're single, you can come and go as you please. You can do what you want when you want. You have no one to answer to or worry about. You can pick your own restaurant and movie without checking with someone else. There's no arguing, no snoring to deal with, your money is all your own. No cleaning up after anyone but yourself. Don't do the dishes if you don't feel like it. Leave the pizza box on the floor. Your laundry can go another day without washing. Never worry about snotty noses or scraped knees unless they are yours.

Being single is a joy. Not having kids is a breeze. You have no one but yourself to contend with. No one. You have nothing to worry about but your own ordeals. Nothing.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single and/or not having children. Believe me...there are many days I envy it! Many days I have that fantasy. I may make very different choices if I had it to do all over again.

My child kisses me goodnight. He calls me Mommy. He gives super huge hugs. He makes me laugh. His laugh is one of the sweetest sounds I've ever heard. His knowledge of certain things leaves me in awe. If I get a boo-boo, he wants to kiss it and make it better. If I am looking at something, he wants to see it too. He is desperate for me to listen to him speak. He likes for me to read him stories in the evening. His likes and dislikes mimic his parents. He parrots what we say because he is learning from us. He feels things deeply and wants to express it outloud, even if it's not always in an appropriate way. He has problems, major problems. He didn't ask for them. He doesn't understand them. He reacts the way his brain and body tell him to. He's worked hard and come a long way over the years.

Times are still rough. Each milestone of life brings its pleasures and its pains. As he approaches the teens the defiance is growing. He wants to be the boss. He wants to show us that he knows more than us. But he also wants to be a little boy. What a confusing time. He switches from wanting to snuggle with me to wanting to throw me out the window. So many emotions flooding his 12 year old body and mind. I remember being bipolar and a teenager. It was hell. I didn't have the other issues though. I can't imagine how much more they impact the situation.

I work my ass off around here. I'm serious. I take care of the home. I take care of my husband. I take care of my mother. I take care of my son. I volunteer. I am taking a class. Sometimes I can manage to take care of myself.

Every once in a while, I would like for someone to give me a hand.

I've been dealing with the school system for how long now? I have a meeting with the school district on August 2nd. I have a meeting tomorrow with Joshua's therapist and Wednesday with his OT, so that I may present my case to them and see if they will back me up in the meeting. I need to gather their ideas and add them to mine. For the past month I have been compiling and organizing my files on all of Joshua's previous IEPs, evaluations, appointments, etc. Today my intention was to get it all together and type out some of the bullet points. The day got away from me. I had phone calls to return from weeks ago. I played with my puppy. I played with my family. Then the end of the afternoon came and I realized how far behind I was. I'm sure part of me was putting it off because it's emotional for me. To have to face it all over again. To have to gather all of my strength to fight this battle. To be reminded, once more, how much my son has to cope with and how many diagnoses he has.

As I am working on this, life still goes on around me. Joshua has needs, the pets have needs, the laundry is going.

As usual, Jason and Joshua can't get along. I don't get it. I don't understand it. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. It's downright ridiculous.

I'm thumbing through papers, pouring through books, checking the internet, highlighting and typing. Ummm, Jason? Would you like to step up here and lend a hand? No, it's okay, continue playing your PC game and arguing with Joshua because that is way more productive. (sigh)

Fuck this!!!! Are you serious???

Then, my dear Joshua, climbs onto our bed to watch TV with us, while I continue to do this work. Joshua tells me that I always have work to do. With my board meetings and classes and school district prep. Thanks for noticing, Sweetheart. And then he says I never have time to be with him. You're kidding me, right? I'm with you 24/7. Every day, every minute. We play games, we go on outings...oh nevermind.

Jason says that Joshua is killing him tonight. That's okay, my love, go ahead and read your book while I continue to stress out. No biggie. :-)

Time for Joshua to go to bed. I prepare his room, Jason tells me it would be better another way. Joshua climbs into bed, we say our goodnights. He needs a cool washcloth because it's freaking hot in the house. Jason goes to get it, Joshua wants me to do it. He calls for me over and over. Jason goes ahead and does it, though he's pissed off about it.

Fast forward a few minutes. Jason goes downstairs to get us a snack. Very thoughtful of him. Joshua gets up and comes to me. He needs his room the way I was originally making it. Go figure. Then he decides to tell me that Daddy was angry with him...again. It's the same thing he says to me every night. Or afternoon. Or morning. I'm kind of over it. No, I am over it. It's shredding me.

Every day when my father was due home from work, I tensed up. I felt my body go rigid and my emotions go on alert. What mood would he be in today? Would he be ready for an argument? Will he be tired? Irritated? Bad day? I would wait. I would anticipate. I would hope.

I have a lot of baggage, I know this. I have a past that haunts me in many ways. I wished that my adult life would not....

You know what...I'm done with this tonight. I'm tired, I'm agitated, I'm so fucking over it all right now that I can't even see straight anymore. I just want a break. I want help. I don't want my house to be filled with tension and arguing. I don't want to face it all alone anymore.