The next step

I'm coming down off the high of Vegas and into a very busy world. Joshua has had one appointment after another. My mother has been a bit high maintenance as well. I'm trying to juggle some relationships and feel like I'm not doing a great job of it. Someone is always a little off about something. What is the saying about not being able to please everyone all of the time? One friend of mine tried to remind me that I am supposed to be beginning the process of learning how to take care of myself. And how does one do this without pissing someone off or not be able to create the time among the demands? Again I am reminded of Eat, Pray, Love...she had neverending funds to take a break from the world. Oh yes, and no children. Is that the only way to begin a new life of inner peace and balance? You have to exit the real world for a couple of months? There's got to be another way for us poor lower class folks.

I suppose I can sit down and make a schedule of me time. But, the mistake I make is that I push it aside when something else comes up. It's like it's just penciled in. That's not okay.

Last week, there was a very beautiful cool and sunny day. I spent the day doing errands and whatever. I kept telling myself that I needed to take advantage of the weather and get outside and walk. I needed to exercise. I found myself doing what I do so well, trashing my appearance and my motivation. The guilt set in. The "shoulds" were screaming at me. Then it donned on me. Who says? Who says I "have" to go for a walk if I don't want to? Who says I "have" to exercise if I don't feel like it? I "should" do this or I "should" do that. Fuck that! What did I really want to do? I wanted to sit under a tree in the park and read. That's what I wanted to do. The guilt swept in again. Do nothing? Sit in the park by myself? Avoid housework? Not answer the phone? What? But...but...

I got my books, my fold up blanket, my cell phone for the alarm of when to pick up Joshua from school and I drove over to the park. I got my stuff from the car and walked to the path. I felt myself becoming embarassed and self concious. Were people looking at me wondering what I was doing? Why was I alone? Do I look foolish? I kept walking toward a tree I thought looked nice. I got all situated and sat down. I didn't like it. I have no idea why. I spotted a tree across from me. I couldn't decide between the two to start with and then wasn't happy with this choice. I could move over to the other one. But then will I look weird for doing that? I'll just stay at this one. I don't want to stay at this one, I don't like it. Why am I doing this to myself, pick your ass up and go to the other tree! I did. I felt a little weird. But I did it anyway. I situated myself at the new tree. I faced the lake. I took a deep breath and then I read my book. For most people, many parts of this experience may seem ridiculous and easy. What I put myself through for something so simple is exhausting and completely unnecessary. That is why I pushed myself to do it. I sat there for almost two hours. I loved it. Every freaking second of it. My cell phone didn't ring. It was peaceful. Quiet. I could actually hear the birds singing. As I was walking back to my car, I looked around me. There were other people sitting down and reading, by themselves, at a spot they chose. I wasn't the only one afterall. And if I looked anything like them, I looked at peace. I want to experience that again.

I want to schedule me time. Not because I "should", but because I "want" to.