Listen...

The silent scream.

I do it almost every night. I am being chased, beaten, shot, raped, tortured, frightened, in severe pain or excruciatingly sad. I open my mouth and scream. My whole body shakes with it. No sound. It builds within me wanting to burst from my chest. The pressure in my throat from it feels like it will tear me open. And yet, there is nothing. Frustration, pain and heart break are the emotions that consume me as I watch my mouth open wide and…nothing. Emptiness. The silence shatters my ears and my mind. I cannot comprehend it in my nightmares. It always wakes me up. Occasionally I am sweating, some nights I am sobbing without tears, others I just open my eyes and check to see if I’m really in my room. Five nights out of seven I have a bad dream. I have had nightmares my entire life. There have been periods of time in my life when they would subside for a while and others when they would take over each and every night. Always the same fucking silent scream.

I have the silent scream during the day too. I do not know how to open my mouth and scream or yell. My homework for the week is to yell my loudest. In the car, in a field, in a basement. Wherever I feel like I can do it as loud as possible and not get the police called on me. I’ve tried it a few times. Nothing happens. Have I ever done it? Have I ever been able to let out a primal sound that releases the emotional pressure within? Not even during sex. I have always, always felt stifled. My voice feels suffocated. I have a steel block in my throat that will not allow aything to come forward. I want to dislodge it. I want to scream so fucking loud that it breaks me wide open. I can’t even imagine the liberation.

Children should be seen and not heard. We all know that one. Then there are other times. Those moments when something is happening to you and you are trapped in silence. When the world shuts down, turns black and time stands still. They are bigger than you, stronger than you and life threatening. Your brain is trained to follow the path that keeps you alive. Your voice disappears.

Even when beating the shit out of a television set with a baseball bat I couldn’t utter a sound. I tried, but it came out like a small grunt. I think I made it up to a growl. The anger just seems to remain bottled up.

The little girl in me wants to scream. The Phaedra in me wants to yell. All of me wants to be freed from my years of survival training.

I want to scream without silence.