My mood has been down. There has a been a slight variation here and there depending on the moment. One minute I can be laughing and the next I can want to break down into sobs. It’s a feeling of complete havoc inside. It all keeps me guessing and yet at the same time I know that the underlying foundation of it all is depression. It lurks there always waiting for its chance to pop its head up and remind me that it’s still alive.
Two weeks ago I was suicidal. No date or time, just an idea. Several ideas really. My various therapists continued to check in with me to make sure I did not have anything concrete in place. There was discussion of the hospital but I made it through without going. There is no money to go anyway. Libbi said that money cannot be the determining factor. I need those options open for me. Offing myself because I don’t have money for hospital bills can’t be the only choice.
Hospital bills. Dental bills. Therapy bills. I have really racked it all up. It seems like every notice I get in the mail is another color of the rainbow depending on how late it is or how behind I am because my payments have to be so small. Federal student loans have come up and we have worked out a payment plan with them. The private student loan has given us a subpoena. We answered with what we can afford and now I guess we wait to see what happens next. They can garnish Jason’s wages, which leaves me wondering how those others bills mentioned above continue to get paid. I sure have gotten us into quite the pickle. It’s lovely that the holidays are coming. Jason and I have already agreed not to get each other anything for Christmas. That way we can afford to get the family gifts. I always have grand ideas of what I want to give people but then reality hits me and I realize that it’s just not going to happen. I suppose the first thing we need to do is actually pick up the prescriptions that we haven’t in weeks because they cost too much.
It is also the time of year when my volunteer hours shoot through the roof. I volunteered at the Thanksgiving meal. I love seeing everyone there. We served almost 300 clients this year, the most ever. Then there is the kids’ holiday party and the adult holiday party both in December that I will be very involved in. Jason is helping with the kids one too. J I have to hold back this year. Last year I spent a lot of money on presents for the children that didn’t have any. It was fun to buy all of those toys but also expensive. This year I can’t do it. It’s sad for me because it makes me happy to see others happy this time of year. But I can see that in my volunteering. My favorite thing is when the adults get to choose from our gift table at their party. So many of them don’t have any other Christmas but that one. Jason asked his company if they could donate some meat for the meal and they said yes. He is working hard to get us a good price for roast beef and ham. In the years past the center has done cold cuts and salads. This year I got after them for a hot meal for everyone. They definitely agreed. I think it’s going to be really special for the clients this year. I hope I get to help fill their stockings this year too. We always try to put soap, toothpaste, toothbrush, comb, etc in them and then a bit of candy too. I always like for them to have a small bottle of lotion or cologne just to feel good. These are the things that bring me joy. I only wish the joy lived longer.
Bill, the co-leader of my group left for a higher position at the center. I broke down when he told us. The first time I ever cried in group. Then I cried during the next group too. Then on his last day with us, Thursday, I cried some more. He told me that if this was the catalyst to get my tears flowing then he is happy for that and that I am allowed to be angry with him for leaving. We had several talks before he left. I made him a card and he got choked up. That showed me that he really does care about us…me. That is a difficult concept for me to swallow. I always think that people give a shit because they feel pity or are getting paid to do it. To think that someone genuinely cares is hard for my brain to understand. He made me a little trinket out of beads. It has the word “sun” on it. He said that when he sees me take down my mask and begin to show myself that it is like the sun is shining from the inside of me outward. That token means a lot to me. It holds a lot of value for being a couple of beads on a string. The experience of this loss is excruciatingly painful for me.
It comes at a bad time too. Holidays. I hate them. I think that’s why I prefer to throw myself into giving to others. Then I don’t have to face the fact that my own family is so fucked up that we can’t even call each other. Except for my sister. We do call on holidays. It doesn’t make it any easier to be away from her. The rest of my family? It’s like they don’t even exist. I miss my dad. My mom is a fruit cake…no, as my friend’s dad would put it…the whole fruit basket. I am the youngest of five kids and my sister is the only one that I have a relationship with. For one reason or another, my other siblings are not in my life. One is dead, another is not relationship-able, and the last brother is a plain outright jerk who can’t seem to acknowledge my existence. Thank goodness for my sweet sister. The holidays are rough for me. It just brings me down. The music, the decorations, the whole thing. I’d rather hide under my covers until Spring. I try though. I do all of the holiday things and put on my cheery best. I concentrate on making others happy. I love to see surprise and smiles on people’s faces that I have given a gift to. I appreciate the people around me that have little of their own that I can give to and brighten their holiday. To see the little kids’ faces when they get to sit on Santa’s lap and leave with a present is just amazing. They get to eat, decorate cookies, face painting, Santa pictures, crafts…the whole party is just awesome. The parents are so grateful and excited. Jason volunteered last year to take the pictures and he had a better time than he thought he would. I was quite impressed. J Our adult clients…their eyes light up just as much as the kids when they get their presents too.
Jason finally had his review at work last week. We’d been waiting for this for a while now. When he got his promotion to Chef Manager and put in charge of his own café he was promised a raise. A big one. One that matches the position. He got the café straightened out, got the numbers better than where they wanted them, customers are happy. He has put up with major changes in the building and company that his café is located in. He was told that big rewards were coming when he proved himself…again. In each position he has held in this company he has proven himself. That’s why they like him. He will do whatever the company wants because of his amazing work ethic at whatever wage they give him. He makes sure his kitchen sparkles. He makes sure the food is top quality. He makes sure his employees are trustworthy and treat the customers with respect. I don’t just say these things because he’s my husband. I say them because they’re true. Do you know how many times he has called in sick in the five years he’s worked for this company? Two. Do you know how many times he’s left work early in the five years he’s been with this company? Less than a handful and they have all been because of family situations. His mother dying, his son being in the hospital, etc. After insurance is taken out, his take home pay is $28,000 a year. A Chef Manager, running a café for a huge corporation makes less than $30,000 a year. What the hell is that? He works with a skeleton crew because the company knows he can pull it off. They know all of this because he always pulls it off. Whatever they throw at him he catches it and makes it work. He feels that how the café and the company look and run is a reflection of him. If they shine then he shines. So with all of our bills, the threat of garnished wages, groceries, gas, etc it feels like we’re drowning. I had $65 to spend on groceries for two weeks. For three people. That includes making lunches for Joshua. Have you fed a 15 year old boy lately? Sheesh, you’d think they had four extra stomachs! So, after all was said and done, guess what raise Jason got? A 2.5% raise. Yes, you read that correctly. 2.5%. He’s worth more than that. He works harder than that. He has talked about getting a second job. Really? He already gets up at 2:30 in the morning to go to this one. On his feet all day. I cannot even begin to list all of the duties he completes in a day…in a month. It takes a lot to run a café and be the executive chef at the same time. If he is gone from the home any more then he is now then Joshua would never see him and I can guarantee that is not a good idea. The kid is already having emotional issues dealing with his sperm donor slug who hasn’t acknowledged him in a year now. I have talked about getting a part time job to try to supplement our income. Between my mental health situation and Joshua’s hundred appointments a week, his early release days and vacation days and teacher work days, when would I do it? I don’t understand. I’m not saying that we should get all the things in the world that we dream of. I’m not suggesting that we need more than others have. I just want to pay our bills and not have to scramble to have gas money. I had to borrow $20 from my mother this week to put half a tank of gas in my car. I hate borrowing money from her. Not only do I pay it back monetarily but then I pay it back with guilt and tears and energy and time. She sucks me dry. We help people, we never hurt any one, we work hard at what we do.
My mother would say “I never told you life was fair”. And I suppose it isn’t. She is definitely right about that one.
I have vented for four pages, according to my word program. Thanks for sticking with me on this one. It needed to come out I guess. I’m sure I could go on for four more pages but I will spare you that.
If reincarnation is an option, I am going to say no. I’m not doing this again.
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