Overwhelmed!!

There are days where I just can't see past the mountain in front of me. Days when it feels like the covers in my bed should just stay over my head. This is one of those days.

I wake up this morning and pick up the phone to call my mother. There are messages on my voicemail. Where the hell did they come from? One was my friend, Vicky, the only part of the message that came through was "Hey girl...." and then it cut off. Then I had a message from the special ed teacher at a middle school. She said it's the third time she's left a message and doesn't understand why I'm not calling her back or, perhaps, not getting her messages. I didn't get any messages! This was the first I'd heard. I called her back immediately, voicemail. I waited about an hour and called back. Voicemail. So, after my two messages to her, I've heard nothing back. Did I mention I also called three more times since then and left no messages, just hoping she'd be at her desk and pick up? (sigh)

I left a message yesterday with another school asking to touch base with them about options for Joshua. It seems that because Joshua's IQ is higher than 70, he is limited in some of the resources he could otherwise get. Also, because he's not trying to kill someone or burn down the building, he is not a candidate for the emotional disorder classroom.

Joshua woke up in a fairly good mood, but his back hurt. He has pain pretty much all the time in one way or another. Today it was his back, which he said he hurt yesterday at soccer. I believe him, it's just that there is always something else to deal with. I got him breakfast, meds, all set up in a chair with cushions and played cards with him for over an hour. Finally I got him to understand that I needed to sweep the floors and get the household chores going.

I started the dishwasher and it leaked all over the floor. After cleaning that up I headed to the basement to start the laundry and see water dripping down from the kitchen above me. (sigh) Really?

By the way, does anyone notice that the floors in the kitchen are getting soft?

Then I go to the kitchen to set out food for dinner. Chicken sandwiches. We're having family movie night, Alvin and the Chipmunks 2. I grab the buns and notice that they are starting to get moldy. I just bought them the other day. I would go and buy more except my car is in the shop.

Oh yes, my car is in the shop. It'll cost $202 to fix it. But that's just the first problem. There is apparently a "laundry list" of issues, most of which can wait a while. The one we're fixing today is a "safety issue".

It's after noon and still no call from any schools. I'm concerned and frustrated. There is nothing else I can do but wait.

I have a board meeting tomorrow night. My friend, Debby, who is the CEO's assitant, is moving to New Mexico. She is my saving grace on the boards. We sit next to each other and keep each going. She "gets" me. She's there for me as a support system when the board stuff gets too insane for me. She's been my mentor. She's also been my friend. We've hung out, gone to lunch, she's treated me to spa days with her. She is the only person who came to visit me after my hysterectomy. She is the only one who sent anything to us after my mother in law died. Flowers and food. She'll be gone in June. Oh, she said we can come down anytime and visit, that maybe Jason could find a job there because it's beautiful. Come on, we all know how that goes. And it sucks.

This is just a handful of it.

I want to move, to run, to dodge. I want to be free of the constant barrage of life. Joshua has such high needs, 24/7. I'm tired. I want more time with my husband where he's not exhausted from being on his feet since 4am. I want friends that don't live so far away. I want stability in our finances. I want stability in Jason's job. I want a house that doesn't leak and maybe room for a bathroom that we don't have to share with Joshua. I want....I want....I want...

Some days it's just too much. It's overwhelming. It feels like I'm drowning. To others, it may seem trivial. It may look like I'm making it all bigger than it really is. Most of the time I juggle it all and manage with grace. Once in a while, it suffocates me. It frightens me. I feel like I'm clawing at the dirt to get out of the grave.

A deep cleansing breath. The rest of the day will go on. I'll continue doing what I usually do. Keeping the ship afloat. Holding it all together so we can manage. :)