Other Side

I have broken through to the other side. I didn't think I would make it for a while there. Honestly, that was bad. I have learned a few things about myself during this process. I'm sure the farther away I come from it, the more I will be able to look back on it and see things. One major thing I have learned is that I need to take care of myself. I am "on" all of the time and that just cannot happen. It's unrealistic and stressful. I want to be me, my true authentic self. Behind the masks and smiles there is a real person who has no clue who she is. I want to discover her. As I regain my strength and courage, I am going to take steps toward doing that.

People are going to have to realize that I am taking a step back from the circle. It's not out of dislike or boredom. It's out of a severe need to spend some time alone, have free time to do what I choose, to not have to rely on others to plug me into activities. A friend asked me what would happen if I told people to fuck off now and then. What would happen if I had a spine more often instead of always caving to everyone's wishes. I have no idea what would happen. I've never done it. I'm the girl who is still trying to practice saying the word "no". It's hard! I hate it, but at the same time it's necessary. I can't be everything to everyone. To expect me to is not loving me. Can I be loved by being more of my own person? Or will the world reject me for trying?

The fear of rejection and the fear of disappointing someone are the doors that remain locked and hold me back from just being. Every moment of every day I worry about what someone else is thinking about me or my behavior. Arrgghh! It's un-fucking-cool. I have had a few suggestions of programs that may help me break through those barriers. I'm looking into them and will see as time goes on what I can do. Everything has a price.

Thank you to those who have stood by me and been patient with me. To those who disappeared when it got really rough, well...fuck off. LOL I said it!