Energy donuts

Today was supposed to be the first meditation class at the center. I've been signed up for a couple of months, a recommendation from my therapist. The class is ten people with two leaders. As we all know, it takes an enormous amount of energy for me to do anything outside of my usual box. I have been wanting a meditation class. This one dropped in my lap. It is not my first choice only because it is with the center and held at one of my least favorite buildings. Not a comfortable setting or prospect. However, it is free and I am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Back to the point. I layed in bed this morning, rolling around the idea of not attending the class. I came up with a million excuses. Joshua's school is cancelled so I'd have to take him to my mom's for her to watch him. Her apartment is full of cigarette smoke and I don't need to take Joshua out in this frigid temperatures. I'm just too tired. I'm too stressed out. I have no idea how to get there. I hate driving alone to places I'm not familiar driving to. The road are probably horrible. I'll have to print off a map. On and on my excuses flew around my brain. Finally I took a deep breath and dove into the hot shower.

With every soap sud and bubble my mind came up with another reason to stay home. I just didn't want to do this.

Alas, I got dressed and got Joshua layered up to leave the house. Of course, it was the first time EVER that Joshua did not give me a hard time about going out. We went on to my mother's. She was in a fine mood. I said my goodbyes and off I went. I clutched the map in my fist the whole way there, constantly checking the street numbers.

I was ten minutes early to the building. I was so tense that my back was spasming. I took a couple of deep breaths and gathered myself together. I was there now so I might as well get inside. Oh yes, my least favorite front desk person is there to greet me with her usual grimace. The day was looking up. She had no clue what I was asking for. Why did I expect any different? Finally, after much yelling around the offices to figure out what to do with me, she discovered the same information that I had pointed out to her on the flyer taped to her window.

I sat in the lobby and waited. I soon saw the front desk lady look out among the empty chairs as she held a phone to her ear. She then said "one". We all knew what that meant. I was the only jackass there for the class.

A few moments later, a woman came out to meet me. She shook my hand and gave me a tiny "circle the number" test. You know, 5 for strongly agree and 1 for strongly disagree, with everything inbetween. I took the test in about two and half minutes. Dumb questions about liking myself and having hope for the future. So now she has my name and my innermost feelings and I'd only been sitting there for ten minutes. Uncomfortable.

She came back out again and sat next to me. She explained that the class could not proceed with less than two people. She had four cancellation calls and apparently no one else showed up but me. She said that in another minute or two, if no one came in, she would take me back to her office and we would chat for a few in a one on one. She said, "that way you don't feel like your time is wasted."

She disappeared again and after the two minutes, she came and got me. We went back to her office and she picked up the second leader along the way. She said, as I sat down, "Don't you feel special?" I replied, "No, I feel weird."

She handed me a stack of papers stapled together and told me that these were what we would be working from. She said that she needed meditation too and that she was very excited about getting into the meat of the class. She told me that in the future I should program her phone number into my cell to contact her just in case. Riiiight. Let me get on that. She then ended the conversation, said she'd see me next week and waved toward the door. For real??? This was our "one on one special bonding time so my time isn't wasted"? The kind that lasts five minutes and has another, apparently mute, person in the room with you doing all of the talking. Thanks, that was awesome.

I proceeded to walk out the side door without even putting my jacket on, froze as I walked to the car, head down. I got in and bawled. Everything just poured out of me. All of the pent up energy that I gathered to do this exploded right then and there. I picked up my cell and punched in my therapist's number. She sat on the phone with me for 40 minutes while I cried and told her how stupid I felt. She was reassuring and kind, gentle and loving. She reminded me of all of the things she has taught me over time. She made me laugh, she helped me understand. She gave me "permission" to decide what to do with the class even if it meant never returning again. "Permission" is how I allow myself to do things without feeling tons of overwhelming guilt. It's a therapy trick.

After using up all of my tissues and feeling a bit more strength in my bones to move forward, I hung up and got the hell out of the parking lot.

I don't know if I'll go back next week. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

For now, I'm going to continue eating my way through a delicious box of donuts.