Shut up already!!

I talk too much.

I hear myself and I think "shut up already" but my mouth keeps moving. The more I don't want to look like an idiot, the more I talk, which then makes me feel like I'm an idiot. When I'm nervous, I talk fast and I talk a lot. Or I shut down. Unfortunately my mouth leads the way more often. Once the words have left my mouth I want to reel them back in, but I'm so busy still talking that I can't grab the words I already said. I speak with my emotions on the tip of my tongue. Again, once I've said it, I feel like a jerk because I just put an emotion in the air that didn't belong there. Why can't I just shut up? And yet, at the same time as all of this, I'm shy and don't even want to be in front of people. But, in order to compensate for those feelings, I hide it all with words. Words words words. Blah blah blah.

I spend the rest of my life worrying about what I've said. Did I sound like an ass? Why did I say that outloud? Oh my god, that was so stupid! That person will never speak to me again. I bet that lady thought I was crazy. I've said too much. I've bored that person to death. They don't really want to know what I'm thinking. He doesn't truly care what I have to say. I can't believe I said that.

There is a jury inside of my head. They judge every thing I do and say. Usually they tell me how ridiculous I am. It's my job, so my therapist tells me, to shut them up. I am supposed to tell them to go to hell. I am to be gentle with myself and not judge myself so harshly. And yet, they still keep clammering about what I've said or done.

I just need to be quiet. SSsshhhh...