Facts?

It always surprises me how entertaining it is to learn about other people, especially friends. Jason and I enjoy conversation with other adults. It is a spectacularly good time for us. We may try to plan other things, but conversation is what it ends up coming down to.

Experiences, stories and opinions flow when a hearty conversation gets going. Sometimes it seems there isn’t enough time to say everything you have building up in your head. You want to explode with questions and information but the clock ticks away and the stroke of midnight rears its threat of turning you into a pumpkin.

I walk away tired and overjoyed with thoughts stirring around in my brain. There is the hope that it can happen again. When you don’t have much adult interaction as a couple in your life it is something you crave. When you stumble upon an opportunity to share that with people that you feel a real connection with it is like a piece of gooey chocolate cake with a huge fork waiting for you to savor every bite.

I hear that familiar sound pop into my head. The judge and jury that sit in the courtroom in the recesses of my brain. They always have so much to say and they have their moments of loudness that shout over the pleasant feelings of an experience. They are such an awful pain in my ass.

“You sounded so stupid I can’t believe you told them that!”
“Are you nuts? They didn’t want to know that about you!”
“Why don’t you learn to keep your mouth shut?”
“You talk too much, you don’t give anyone else a chance to speak.”
“You wore out your welcome…again!”
“You are so stupid. I don’t know why you even try.”
“Now you will see what happens when you don’t hold onto your masks tight enough.”

It’s a tape that plays over and over and over. I’ve fought its muttering and screaming for years. Remember my therapy task of building my self esteem? Well, these voices are part of what need to go. If that is too high of a demand then perhaps they could just keep it down a bit. I spend a lot of energy sorting through their stabs and jabs and try to bring the emotional part from the back of my brain to my frontal lobe. I try to bring reality, rationality, into the picture. Years of training tend to take over and I end up feeling defeated.

There are moments of clarity when I can bring out my mighty sword of therapy lessons and battle the jury until I see the muddled cloudiness start to dissipate. This is such a new concept for me and needs a sharper blade.

So what does this leave me with? Crappy feelings of being the village idiot. The desire to choose a better mask. The ache to feel the friend connection more. The confusion of what is real and what is just my history playing tricks on me.

The 40 years of brain washing will take some time to peel away. It hurts, it’s raw, it makes me feel more vulnerable than I think I stand, but it is so necessary at this stage in my life. I don’t want to live under the old rules anymore.

Thank you to my friends for putting up with me if the voices are true. Thank you to my friends who are kind enough to read this, not join the judges in my head and accept the ‘me’ that is trying to be reborn. Thank you for your patience with me whether it’s faking it to be nice or being supportive while I grow.

If you’re on the path to hold my hand, watch my back and hold me up from time to time, then you are a true friend. And I appreciate you.