WWLS

WWLS has become my chant these days. What Would Libbi Say. Friends of mine use this to remind me of my journey in life. They get me back on track when I slip up. Libbi is the voice of reason in my head.

We created my new treatment plan yesterday. Two goals I am going to be working on.
1) Build self esteem. This will be evidenced by doing things without other people’s permission, setting boundaries and doing this while learning how to be gentle with myself along the way. Also by learning what I like and pursuing those ideas.

2) Grieve and accept my father’s death. This will be evidenced by thinking and talking about him in a realistic manner and facing the impact he had on my life both good and bad.


Damn that sounds heavy. I guess because it is. It’s therapy!

When I was describing what I wrote in my previous blog to Libbi yesterday, I told her how stupid I felt for doing all of those things. When I look back over all of the stress I put myself through to set up my party I feel like an ass. She reminded me that what I do is not stupid. I was taught to ask for other people’s permission and do what they say and follow the golden rule “Thou shall not make waves”. It was my survival. And it worked because I’m here. Now it isn’t cutting it for me anymore. I’m in a different place in my life where survival is not dependent on those things. I want to know who I am and what I want. Libbi told me that it’s okay to be “selfish” because in my mind what that means is doing things that other people do on a regular basis without thinking twice. I need to speak my mind and demand what I want without begging for approval. She said that no matter how hard I try I probably can’t be mean anyway. That makes me laugh.

After watching “Eat, Pray, Love”, which I know I reference a lot, I have been plagued by the idea of having my word. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I can tell you later, it’s too long to type in the moment.

My current word is “Discovery”. That is where I am on this journey. That word is who I am right now.

We tossed around some ideas of what my goal word would be. We also talked about what my name would be. She said that Brenda doesn’t seem to fit me. She’s right. It’s who my parents made, who my experiences molded. When I am my authentic self, do I think of myself as Brenda? The answer is no. I really don’t. I have friends with nicknames that seem to fit them better than their actual name. Some tribes do not gives names to children until they are older in order to see what their personality is first. I’m not saying I would change my name or ask people to call me something different. That would be kind of odd at 40 years old. However, in my mind, just for fun, what would my true self’s name be? Something to think about.

In the process of all of this, we discussed my true self. My masks. Who am I the most authentic with? Jason. And with him I am, on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most authentic, around an 8. I told her that I would like to be more of my true self. To bring down the masks a little more. I have been covered by them, hidden behind them, protected by them, for so long that I don’t know what it is like without them. Being vulnerable is not my cup of tea and yet I feel vulnerable all of the time. I feel exposed and hang on to my masks even tighter. It’s like a vicious cycle and I am so used to doing it that it is second nature.

Discovery. Who am I? Uncover the layers under the masks. Be my authentic self. Build my self esteem. Grieve my past and rebuild my future.

“I am still learning” – Michaelangelo