Real effort!

This time I answered the phone.

For a couple of weeks my estranged friend has called and left messages. I have avoided them and her. Yes, this time I will admit and own that I was blowing someone off on purpose. We had an odd and abrupt break in our relationship a few months ago. I know I have blogged about her before. She was going through a very difficult time in her life and nothing I was saying or doing was making it better. It only made her angry.

I have not wanted to deal with the conversation of why. I wanted to let it rest a while until I got up enough energy to talk it through with her. I didn’t know how long that would take, but I knew that at some point she and I would speak again. I never felt it was the end of a friendship, just a break.

Finally I answered the phone today. Enough was enough, I was ready. We chatted briefly about some changes in the past few months that have happened to us, a little tidbit of an update, a few laughs. Then the question arose from her.

“So, are we okay?”
“What do you mean?” I wasn’t exactly sure how to approach this so I wanted a better idea of where she was going first.
“We haven’t spoken in a long time and I wanted to make sure we were okay.”
Hmmmm…I thought for a moment. “I guess so. Well, not entirely.”

Then we talked it out and I bawled. (sigh) Emotional Dork poster child here!! I don’t know where it came from and I certainly was not expecting it. My voice cracked, my breath got caught in my throat and the rest was history.

Bottom line: she felt I was not making time for her and not being supportive, I felt she was being cruel and angry at me. I thought I was doing my best and she did not.

I apologized, she apologized. I love yous were said back and forth. She said that if I can only be a fair weather friend then that is what she will take from our relationship. She would rather have me as that kind of friend than none at all. The last thing I am is a fair weather friend. At least I don’t feel that I am. I could be completely screwy here. I explained to her that my life is insane. I have a lot of responsibilities with Joshua. And I give a lot of my time to others. I try to call, answer, talk, help, listen, laugh, etc. But, I am not going to get it right all the time. I don’t just want to hear from someone when things are going well. I want to hear it all. I just cannot promise that I can hear it every day.

I have tried so hard to be better about the phone. I have tried to show my friends that I love them and want to talk with them. I have tried to make time for everyone. I am not blowing anyone off. I am truly trying. Everyone is busy in their own lives and in their own way.

Well, she and I have reconnected and are going to try to talk more regularly and be open with each other when feelings are hurt. We are going to try not to be fair weather friends but that is going to take more effort on both our parts.

If I wasn’t trying to make time for important people in my life and balance things out then I could accept the anger from others. But, I am trying!!!! And sometimes I’m just plain tuckered out.