Too much to share?

I did my free writing exercise this morning.  It's the homework I had from Libbi.  I was supposed to just start writing and not stop until I was ready to.  No matter where my mind goes I am supposed to follow the thought until it runs out and another comes along.  I have done this exercise before a few times and I find it to be very interesting.  The human brain can go anywhere and everywhere without a moment's notice.  You get a lot of feelings out onto paper.  I have been instructed to do this on a regular basis.

I was thinking of putting it on my blog, but did not know if it would be accepted with open arms.  Then again, it is my blog and if someone doesn't like something I write here each person is entitled to their own opinion.  It is a free country!  Oh, wait, sorry we're in America.  It's an almost free country!  So here it is down below.  Choose now or forever hold your keyboard. :)

(grammar and spelling are insignificant since I am just flowing with it)

Today I am depressed.  I started out in a mixed state but somewhere along the way something turned.  I feel fat and ugly.  I’ve picked at myself, looking for blemishes, stray hairs and dry skin.  All of the things that prove I am ugly are right in front of me.  Jason is worried about money.  It’s always this way before a trip or excursion of some sort.  I tell him it’s under control so he doesn’t get down and irritable.  For the most part I do have a handle on it.  Someday we won’t have to worry so much about money.  At least that is what I hope.  A day when we know the bills will be met on time and still have money left over for something fun.  Juggling groceries and gas and rent is tiresome.  I want to be happy.  I want to not worry so much from one day to the next.  I see other people around me and it makes me jealous.  People who claim to be broke and yet go to dinner out all the time and have get togethers or go shopping for clothes.  We have scrounged and saved for a year to try to take this Mt. Rushmore trip.  I feel guilty about it.  At the same time we have asked for donations for Joshua to go to a week at sleepaway camp.  I am such a hypocrite!  I am just as bad as the people I say I’m jealous of.  Four more years of school for Joshua and then he’s 18.  Will our lives change then?  Part of my brain tells me it will but the bigger part laughs and says there is no way out of this.  Speaking of no way out.  My teeth are a fucking nightmare.  I regret my decision to have the extractions.  My dentist told me I could be a candidate for a hybrid denture.  It’s the kind without a palate and screws into place.  Wouldn’t that be sweet.  I know they are expensive as hell.  The consultation alone is $155.  In my internet search over the weekend to see the different costs I found a dentist in Cancun that is apparently an amazing guy that tons of Americans go to.  His cost is nothing compared to ours here.  I know that a lot of people talk about Mexico as being the hack cheap medical stuff.  But how do you turn that shit down?  I know it won’t happen for me because I’m chicken and knowing my luck something will go drastically wrong and I’ll end up on life support or something.  Ok that’s a bit extreme but so is my bad luck.  I’m tired.  Just tired.  I feel like I’m all over the place in my head.  I try to be mindful like they teach in group but it’s tough.  Bill talks about being mindful even when you’re doing the dishes.  Really?  I just scrubbed down my bathroom and not once did I practice mindfulness.  I was elbow deep in Lysol and bleach and finding my zen in that moment was not happening.  One person described the dish thing as giving each dish a bath.  Ummm right.  When I asked Bill why I would want to focus so hard on something I hate instead of just distracting my mind and getting through it he had no answer.  If he wasn’t so cute I’d smack him upside his head.  He is a short dude, but he is getting cuter as the days wear on.  His eyes are pretty and he has a nice, although short, body.  Hahahaha.  That cracked me up.  I like to hear his thoughts in group and he laughs a lot.  I have become the one to lighten the mood in group sometimes.  And then he laughs.  I do feel like I talk too much in group now.  I asked Jason, like he would know, and he said however much I say is the perfect amount.  That was a really impressive answer.  I appreciated it.  But then in reality, since he is not in group and could not truly answer my question, I am back to the same idea.  I talk too much in group.  I have thought about asking Anne or Bill if they think I do and then I would reel it in a bit.  But then that feels stupid.  Big surprise there.  I have tried to be mindful (there ya go) of how much I say and then I grow quieter but things start popping into my head and I want to share them and say them and get feedback and help others.  I have so many suggestions and ideas for other people who are in pain.  I want to point them in a direction that can help.  I have come to love group.  I look forward to it all week.  I have blended with the recovering addicts whom I was not able to connect with before.  I am obviously talking more, but not about myself.  Although our exercise on Friday was fabulous and I opened up a wee bit.  It was about self worth.  I don’t want to go into it but it was cool and I told Bill we need to do more hands on stuff.  It’s very mindful too.  Hahahahaha  Why does Anne do the fake tan thing?  She’s orange.  Even her palms are kind of orange.  It is very distracting.  She is so sweet and sometimes smart but she’s orange.  I am afraid of my depression.  I feel it brewing just under the surface all the time.  Ever since I got out of the hospital it has just laid dormant.  I suppose it always does.  Like a disease waiting for a trigger to bring it forward.  Recession, like cancer.  It does eat away at you.  They say there is no cure but there is treatment.  And then others say that you can get rid of bipolar disorder.  Some people say it disappears as you get older.  Hmmm.  Well, here I am.  Maybe I’m not one of those people.  Why doesn’t it ever just go away?  The more I think about it the more I do realize it just lays dormant.  It is something I am always coping with, trying to rise above, moving toward recovery.  I don’t think there is recovery from this.  It just is.  My happiness doesn’t lay dormant, it just comes and goes as it wishes.  The depression…now that’s the one that is just lurking about ready to pounce.  It sounds like it’s alive or has a mind of its own.  Sometimes it seems like it does.  I don’t want it to be in control but it usually is.  Ride it out.  Surf on it like the waves in a storm.  Ride your emotions don’t hide your emotions.  So very true.  Hiding is easier for me when I’m around other people.  I don’t want to make them uncomfortable or feel like they have to fix things.  I can’t just be.  No one lets me just be.  They want to make it better.  Is that human nature?  We don’t want people to be sad.  Why is that?  The only time I can be me is right here and right now.  In my house, alone.  No one talking, no one yelling, no one rushing around.  The phone isn’t ringing, the dog isn’t barking.  I can just be me.  And when I type that tear run down my cheeks.  Why?  Is it the mask falling off and the real raw me peeking through.  Is it the fear of sitting with my own pain?  We got a great poem in group that makes me think about that sort of thing.  Sitting with myself and with my own pain.  It’s not easy.  Especially when you have worked all of your life to get rid of the pain, stuff it inside, hide from it, pretend it doesn’t exist, try to make it better.  When I sit with the pain I get depressed and I cry.  People around me freak out.  I want to retreat further inside of myself.  I feel tired.  I’m also hungry.  My stomach is growling but I feel so fat.  I ate more over the weekend.  I discovered that Krispy Kreme donuts are soft enough for me to eat.  Not a good thing.  I cannot remember how many I devoured.  Jason also made this egg and rice dish that I love.  It’s one of the only ways I can eat eggs.  Well, with it mixed together and melted cheese on top it was mushy enough for me to eat.  When I type it out it sounds gross.  So because I ate so much more through the weekend I feel fat today.  Everybody seems to be so very pleased that I have lost 15 pounds during this mouth ordeal.  Now I am putting pressure on myself to keep it off and keep losing.  Even though this whole situation has been extremely unhealthy.  Do I eat or do I not?  The more I obsess about it the hungrier I become.  Someone in my complex owns a drum set.  How do I know this?  Well, my windows are open today and the breeze is blowing the sound waves just right.  I love drums and it wouldn’t be so bad if the person knew what to do with them.  I miss eating chocolate.  I hope I can find things to eat on our trip.  I am sure most every place has soup.  And we’ll be cooking a few meals at the cabin, plus I’ll be bringing Spaghettio’s just in case.  There goes my stomach again.  This time it was in tune with the symbol on the drum set.  When they say you have to feel pain in order to feel joy, I think that’s bullshit.  I would know joy and happiness if it came to me.  I wouldn’t need to feel all this other stuff.  Maybe I wouldn’t know pain and that would bring even more joy.  And why does it matter anyway?  If things are going well and there is happiness in the air, why do you have to know it’s happiness when you are just enjoying it.  None of that just made sense.  I dreamt about sexy cowboys last night.  I think it was because of a movie commercial I saw.  Like a striptease show with cowboys or something.  Of course in my dream they were all flirting with me and telling me how beautiful I was.  They all wanted to hang out with me, blah blah blah.  Then I woke up to the damn alarm clock and a dog spooning with me.  Did I mention I feel ugly?  I’m going to end this free writing exercise here.  My eyes are tired from crying.  I guess I’ll eat something before I get any more nauseas.  I hate nausea.  I scrubbed the bathroom on my hands and knees with a fingernail brush.  I still don’t think I got it clean enough.  I have to check the laundry.  I’ll warm up some leftover rice concoction while I’m en route to the washer and dryer.  I hate my teeth.  I want something else.  I want to eat normally and taste my food and feel it.  I am sad.  Really sad.  Now I’m crying again.  This whole life thing sucks ass.  The drums are annoying the shit out of me!!!!