I woke up yesterday morning with a plan in mind. My plan was to take Joshua to camp, go to the dentist and then perhaps…just maybe…take an hour in the pool by myself. Just to relax, to soak in the sun, to feel nothing for a while.
7am. Phone rings.
Me: Hello?
Mom: Are you still in bed?
(This is a question she asks me every morning. I have an alarm. There are mornings I am up before it goes off. She knows this.)
Me: No, mom. I’m awake.
Mom: Then where are you?
Me: Sitting on my bed, watching the weather on the news.
Mom: What are you doing today?
Me: I have the dentist at 10.
Mom: Oh, okay, I’ll go with you. Then I can drop off my cable box at Comcast. Jason said it was right by your dentist.
Me: I have no idea where it is but I can look it up.
Mom: Where did you guys buy that plant light for me?
Me: Walmart, why?
Mom: I want to return it.
Me: You don’t like it? It’s what you asked for for Mother’s Day.
Mom: I don’t know. I can’t figure out how to use it.
Me: If you just ask we could help you set it up.
(It’s a fucking lamp)
Mom: Well, I don’t want to pay a higher electric bill because of it.
(really??)
Me: Then return it if you want.
Mom: Okay. And I’m going to return those shoes I bought to wear for work that I don’t need now.
Me: Okay.
Mom: So I’ll go with you and we can do all that. Then I will have a few bucks for Amberly’s baby shower gift.
(pause, my brain twisting into a pretzel, trying to take a deep breath)
Me: Sure, Mom.
Mom: Ok, so I’ll see you at 9:30.
Me: 9:10.
Jump forward to 9:35am.
Comcast office is packed. No telling how long this will take. The clock ticks away while I consider what to do with mother since my dental appointment is quickly approaching.
Me: Mom, it’s 9:50. I am going to have to go to my dentist.
Mom: I know. Just leave me here and I’ll meet you outside when you’re done.
Me: Are you sure? I don’t know how I feel about that.
Mom: No, it’s fine. It’s probably going to take me a long time to get through this line.
(I hesitate, wondering what the catch will be)
Me: If you’re sure. I guess I need to go.
Mom: Go ahead, I’m fine.
My dentist’s office ends up being directly on the other side of Comcast. Go figure.
The dentist is running behind and is 20 minutes late to see me. The wonderful receptionist hangs out with me, holding my hand while I cry. She made the mistake of asking me how I was doing with my denture. I get myself together a few minutes before the dentist walked in. We chatted about my feelings with the whole situation. Nothing sounds good, nothing lifts my mood. He made an adjustment or two to my denture and then talked with me about dollars and options. The tears welled up again and I swallowed them down. I realized the time was passing in huge chunks and I had to go. The dentist told me that in one month when I return it will be time to make my final decision as to what direction I am going in with my mouth.
We finished up and I jumped out of the chair, wrapped up at the front desk and hopped into my car.
I drove around the corner to Comcast and my mother is no where to be found. A small panic hit me in my stomach. I felt the guilt trip build up before I even spoke to her. Out she came from the front door. She got in the car…
Mom: Where have you been? What happened?
(she looks at my mouth wanting to see what was new)
Me: He was running late. He talked about a lot of things. I was actually right there.
(pointing at the dentist’s office)
Mom: I was so worried. I got sick. I was standing outside and then got so sick. I had to go inside and sit down. A man came over and asked me if I was ok. He said I looked white as a ghost. I thought I was going to throw up. I looked for a bathroom to go to so I could throw up in there. Then I thought I could go outside and throw up in the parking lot. The man asked if he should call 911 or give me a ride someplace. I kept telling him that my daughter was coming for me. The man that helped me behind the counter wondered why I was still there. I told him that my daughter was picking me up.
(she puts her face in her hands and starts to “cry”)
I thought you had to have surgery again and I wasn’t there. I couldn’t imagine what happened to you. I thought you got into an accident.
Me: Mom, I’m fine. I’m sorry it took so long. Are you feeling better?
Mom: (looks up at me with no tears, “crying”)
Me: Mom, do you need to eat?
Mom: Yes I do. I need something in my system. I felt just like I did when I had that heat stroke a few years ago.
Me: Ok, what do you want?
Mom: Will you drink a milkshake?
Me: Uhhh…sure.
Mom: Okay.
Me: So is that what you want? Do you want anything to eat?
Mom: No, that will be fine.
(she starts with the “crying” again, still not one tear)
Me: Mom, stop crying. Everything is fine.
Mom: But I was so worried that something happened to you.
(at this point I am done with the overdramatic scene and getting irritated. Thank god there is a McDonald’s right there)
Me: Here we are! Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?
Mom: No, just a shake.
(I order, they finish making the shake)
Mom: Oh god, what is that they are putting on top?
Me: Whipped cream and a cherry.
Mom: Oh geez! Wow that is really big.
(here we go)
Me: It looks good.
Mom: Oh, did you want something to eat? Are you hungry?
Me: No, just a shake is fine with me. I’m not very hungry.
(they hand us the shakes)
Mom: That is a lot of milkshake! I don’t know if I can drink all of that.
(I drive)
Me: Taste good?
Mom: Oh yes, that is so much better. I think I really needed that liquid.
Me: You could drink water. Especially since it’s 100 degrees today. That might help.
Mom: You’re right. I only had my two cups of coffee this morning. I should drink more water. This shake is so filling. I feel much better.
Me: Good.
Off to Walmart…
Me: Do you need me to go in with you? Do you need to buy anything while we’re here?
Mom: No, I can just run in and return these.
Me: Ok, I’ll drive around and come back.
Mom: Are you sure? You’re not going to leave me again, are you? (with sarcasm)
Me: No, mom. I will be right here.
Mom: Okay, don’t run off and leave me again! (with sarcasm)
I drove around and found a spot right in front of the building. She walked out and I put the car in reverse. She looks around for me. I am right there. She keeps twisting her head around. I am right there. Waving. In front of the store. She finally walks to the car. She then complains that without a receipt you only get store credit and how stupid that is.
Me: Will you have enough for a baby shower gift now?
Mom: Oh, yes. I have money.
Me: I thought you had to do this today so you would have a few bucks for the gift.
Mom: No, I’m good. But I don’t want to spend more than $25. That’s my limit. I can’t afford more than that.
Off we drive to Target where Amberly is registered. I am not going to get into the aggravating store exchanges.
Back in the car.
Mom: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: Joshua and I are going to work on cleaning up the back yard and patio. Joshua wants to plant his sunflower seeds in his pots.
Mom: I’ll be there in the morning to help you.
Me: I think we got it. I don’t want you to hurt your back.
(looking for any excuse here)
Mom: I won’t do anything to hurt my back. I love doing stuff like that.
(silence, heavy pause, deep breath)
Me: Okay, Mom.
Mom: Do you have wrapping paper?
Me: I don’t know
Mom: Why didn’t I get some in the store?
Me: You would probably be better off getting some at the Dollar Store.
Mom: Do we have time? Probably not, you have to get Josh.
(is it that time already? Shit)
Me: Yep, I have about 15 minutes.
Mom: We can go on Friday
Me: I have group on Friday. You were going to take Joshua bowling.
Mom: Aren’t you going bowling with us? I thought you could come with us in between groups.
Me: Of course. Then we can go to the Dollar Store in there somewhere.
(mom nods her head)
I drop her off at home.
Mom: Bye, love you, I’ll be there in the morning!
Me: Bye, mom. Love you too.
And then I picked up Joshua.
I had two of my friends and their sons over to my mom’s pool on Monday. I have a key so that I can come and go to the pool without having to bother my mother. My mother came and sat with us. The whole time. And now she will be here soon this morning. And then Friday she will be here again. We had her over on Sunday for father’s day. Every day with her is the same. The conversations, the drama, the guilt trips. I know that I allow this behavior because I do nothing to set boundaries. For a while I was doing really well with setting them up and sticking to them. Eventually I get worn down. Especially when I’m depressed. I have no strength or energy for it. I let the world walk on me during these times. If I don’t shut it off or shut it out then I am letting it walk on me. I have gotten to the point where I can say ‘no’ from time to time, but with agony inside of me.
This is my little slice of heaven. Just a brief example of one of my days.
Time for me to go now. Time to wake up Joshua and prepare for mother to arrive. I wonder if I’ll have a second to breathe today without someone or something sitting on my shoulders.
I’m getting that overwhelmed feeling. That drowning sensation. I have a lot of pressure on me right now. I keep taking on more. I need to stop opening my mouth. I need to keep myself in mind. I need to remember that I am important. It’s hard to feel important when everything around you won’t let you take a break. Or when I don’t have the strength to take a break for myself. The "me time" on my schedule seem to disappear. It turns into something else. So much to get done, so much to do.
Oh my girl. I love you.
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