Practice

Be Gentle.

Two words that seem simple and yet they are so difficult to use. 

In group a couple of weeks ago we were instructed to make something that represents our self worth.  Since I do not feel worthy of anything, this task was huge.  I sat there while everyone else busily chose their beads and decorations.  One person made a key chain, a couple of others made bracelets.  One or two made necklaces.  I really wanted to make a necklace.  I told the group facilitator that I didn't know what to make.  I don't feel any self worth.  He looked up the definition of self worth and read it outloud.  That didn't trigger any thoughts for me.  I didn't say I didn't know what it means, I said I didn't have any.  He then posed the question to the rest of the group.  No one answered because they were engrossed in their own artwork and couldn't think beyond that. 

I sat there staring blankly at my emtpy space on the table.  I glanced around and saw the concentration on my peers' faces.  I got my black string.  I started choosing what color beads I wanted.  Then it hit me.  Something Libbi is always saying to me.  The reason why I was sitting there without a clue.  Because I am not gentle with myself enough to forgive my mistakes, forgive my own view of myself, like anything about myself, to allow my compassion for others to be turned inward.  Be gentle with yourself.  That is what Libbi desperately wants to drill into my skull.

I am trying.  I am at the stage where I repeat the words to myself or outloud in certain situations or moments.  When I am beating myself up over my weight or my teeth.  When I look in the mirror and pick myself apart.  When I allow my self loathing to take over my brain.  I touch my necklace or say the words and take a deep breath.  They say that practice will make your brain create new pathways.  I'm practicing.

When I do not wear my necklace and I begin to beat myself up, I have someone who reminds me of the words.  It's quite shocking actually and it's only when the mood is just right.  My son, who is very self centered most of the time, says to me "remember, be gentle with yourself".  I thank him each time for reminding me.  The shock factor assists quite a bit.  I do appreciate it.  It helps more than he realizes. 

We all have moments when we beat ourselves up over something.  Even the most well adjusted ones falter once in a while.  We could all be more gentle with ourselves.  It's not just the insane ones like myself that need this reminder, we all do.

Take a deep breath.  Be gentle with yourself.