Yes, still down

It has been one helluva a month, eh? My depression has swung pretty low and I’m not sure what is going on. Libbi and I think it may be part chemical and part circumstantial. I plan on making an appointment with my primary doctor to see if my hormone patch may need to be increased. If that doesn’t explain some of it then I may talk to my psychiatrist about my medication. Other than those possibilities, there is life.

I am going to three groups a week. They are helping, it is just a very slow process. We are dealing with issues that touch me deeply. Self worth, core beliefs, mental illness. Not easy shit to delve into. But necessary. Libbi and I are keeping on that path and dealing with my core beliefs in our weekly sessions. I also check in with her about the daily things as well. She is always a phone call away. I am doing better about reaching out, but not great. I’m doing the therapy work.

I’ve created a chore schedule for the whole family so that I do not get overwhelmed so easily. Joshua has been keeping up with his chores beautifully and with only a small bit of attitude. Jason has really been working hard on his. I’m able to complete mine every week except for one or two items.

I am exercising five days a week. I use the treadmill and other gym equipment. Then I go into the pool for an hour or so afterward and do resistance exercises and swimming, as well as just playing in the water. I’m not losing any weight and don’t feel like I’m toning much but this is supposed to increase seratonin and make your mood lift. Hmmm…any day now.

I’m working hard. I’m trying my best. I know you all are tired of hearing about my mood swings and sadness. I’m not enjoying it either. But I’m not sitting around soaking in it. I’m working to get out of it. Some moments I need my space. Not because I want to shut anyone out, but because I am not the most pleasant to talk to right now. I am a downer. I feel useless to my friends. So I’ve gone into my shell where I hang out and miss my loved ones. In addition, as I’ve talked about before, all of this crap drains me. I’m tired a lot of time.

Life goes on. Joshua is still out of school. Classes begin August 20^th. Tuesdays and Thursdays he is in camp until 1pm. Good luck trying to get anything accomplished during those few house. If I try to spend any time with a friend it is short lived. Some days it’s not worth the effort to plan anything. Plus, the days he’s in camp are the days I have to schedule my personal appointments. The other days Joshua is attached to my hip. If I have the opportunity for him to hang out in his room for a while (like right now), there is no point in attempting a phone call because it will get to the best part of the conversation and I’ll have to hang up. Again I wonder what kind of friend I am when I can’t be there for my loved ones fully. I still have my teeth to deal with. Remember, I am still in my temporary dentures. I go tomorrow to discuss and possibly get fitted for my permanent plate. I struggled with the idea of going to Mexico to get implants but the bottom line is that I cannot afford it. I need to accept the fact that this is my situation. My next step is to have the four teeth on the bottom left side of my mouth pulled. I will have about three months without either side teeth. That means I will most likely be back on soup and pudding. I will have my bottom front teeth but there ain’t much you can chew with those. Then after that I will be fitted for a bottom bridge. My hope is that when all of this is over I will be able to chew like a human again. Right now I can only use one side of my mouth to chew. Of course that makes things quite difficult and causes the denture to shift and dislodge. I still cannot bite into much using my front teeth. The positive…popsicles do not hurt.

Jason is extremely stressed about work. There have been a lot of changes and upheaval in his café. I feel awful for him. I wish there was something I could do to help him. His stress sets a tone in the house that is tense. Joshua and Jason still butt heads all the time. It’s hard on all of us.

My mother is…my mother. She is getting worse with her memory and her game playing. It is a sad thing when you have spent your entire life trying to survive your mother’s head games then when she may legitimately be having some forgetfulness or the beginning of dementia you can’t tell the fucking difference. Like the little boy who cried wolf. I am the sandwich generation. Between my son and my mother. Torn and smothered and tugged. It doesn’t seem to end or take a break. I suppose it never will. She continues to take jabs at me whenever she can. She invalidates me for pleasure. It’s a beautiful relationship.

I have my responsibilities aside from my home and family. I am still very involved in the center. Joshua and I are beginning a project on Wednesday. He has a debt to pay to Jason and I and this community service will help with that. I will be supervising him and helping. There are large brick planters that surround outdoor table and chairs in front of one of the buildings. They are overgrown with weeds. Joshua (and I) will be pulling the weeds and planting something pretty in their place. And Board activities still take place.

There are emotional stressors as well. I miss my husband. He is swamped with work and is overtired. His energy level is low most of the time. It is no one’s fault. It just is. I miss our energy together. I miss the energy in the home. I feel lonely and empty.

Then there is my girlfriend. I’m sure you all remember my long distance ‘wife’. The past week was hell for us. Some things came up and it all caused her to question our relationship and direction. It’s hard to be so far apart. We’ve managed to maintain our relationship despite the distance for 12 years. We’ve lived with visits and video chats. Lately we have had a wedge between us caused by my mouth issues and hospitalization, her work load increase and laptop dying. Phone calls are expensive and not very private. The timing of this emotional hurdle is awful. It has only made my depression deepen. I am hoping we can work this out. Right now I’m not sure.

I have found that many people in my life expect me to feel better by now. Some talk to me a couple of hours after finding out that I’m sad and ask “so you all better now?”, “you feeling happy?”, “did that time help?”. Yeaaa….no. Sorry, my emotions do not work that way. I know it is uncomfortable to have to deal with a depressed person. I get that totally. That attitude, however, does not make anything better.

I am grateful for my groups. People there understand. They get it. I look forward to my Friday groups so much through the week. Even though they are hard sometimes and certain people irritate me and subjects tug at my roots, I feel more complete by being a part of them. They are a positive in my life. In September I will begin a new group. It is going to be even harder, but I am willing to take that on. I believe in my heart that it is the right thing to do. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Once again, I ask that you have patience with me. Realize that I am working hard. I am doing all the things I am supposed to do. Most of all, it’s not my fault.

xoxo