Another payment

This is how my life unfolds.

Depression deepens, try my best to stay afloat. Groups getting more intense, a bit philosophical at times. Learning more and more about my inner self. My core beliefs and my roots are being picked away. Reminds me of a miner with a pick axe.

Group was heavy Tuesday and Thursday this week. Seems like all of us seem to be on a down swing. Perhaps it’s the season change dabbling in our moods.

Libbi called last night to check in with me. We talked about my plans for today so that I am not sitting alone at home under a blanket thinking unsafe thoughts. I mentioned housework twice. Both times she shot me down. Her suggestion was to enjoy the beautiful day. Sun shining, high 70s. She said to go to the park with my new book from the library and just drift into another world for a while. Leave this one behind just for a couple of hours.

Bri messaged me last night. We hadn’t really talked much in the last few weeks. She asked about my mood and I was honest about it. My last blog pretty much said it as best as possible of where I’m at right now. All I can say is that I feel like a ghost. She asked me if we could get together today. She asked if I wanted to join her and her husband for a movie. As soon as I heard her husband was home from work my decision was made. No thank you. They deserve time alone together. With their children always around any time they have for couple time is extremely important. If anyone gets that I certainly do. I appreciated the offer and I was grateful, but I would not take that away from them. She continued to offer just herself, to try to make me laugh or just to be with me so I am not alone. I declined. The idea of spending time at the park, alone, in the quiet, with my book sounded really wonderful.

After yet another round of nightmares last night I woke up with the feeling that I would like to spend a little time with a friend. Maybe just an hour before going to the park. I could pick up a coffee and swing by her house and just sit for a few and chat. I don’t want to play pretend right now, which is usually what I do around other people. But, maybe just for some comforting company. I was waiting until the clock was past 5:15am before texting Bri and seeing if that was okay.

Phone rang. Hi Mom.

Mom: Were you asleep?

Me: No mother. My alarm goes off before 5. I’ve already taken a shower and am getting dressed.

Mom: Oh okay. What are you doing today? I was wondering if you want to come with me and then we can go have breakfast.

Me: Where?

Mom: To get my mammogram.

Me: Oh. Well, I was going to get together with Bri this morning. (even if it wasn’t going to happen this was my excuse)

Mom: I just thought since we hadn’t seen each other in a couple of days that we could spend some time together. We can get breakfast.

Me: Mom, I can’t eat. What is the point of spending money on food for me if I can’t eat it.

Mom: Well, I thought we could go to IHOP or something and you can eat pancakes. Where were you and Bri going to eat?

Me: I didn’t say we were going to eat. We were just going to hang out at her house for a little while.

Mom: Well, if she comes before me then by all means go. Just forget about it, okay? I see where your priorities are.

Me: I could tell Bri that I can see her another time.

Mom: No, no, it’s fine. You already have plans.

Me: It’s not a big deal, Mom.

Mom: Well, if you are sure.

Me: What time is your appointment?

Mom: 8:15

Me: I’ll come over after I drop Joshua off at school.

Mom: Okay! See you then!

Pay the piper. She needs to watch Joshua for us the last weekend of September because I have a conference to attend. I must pay my dues in order to make this more smooth. I think I am also paying, again, for my past lives. I believe I was something horrible.

And people want to know why I am depressed? Other than the fact that for the next five months I cannot eat but a handful of items. Fall and Winter are my worst months for mood swings. Holidays coming up with family memories that I wish would just disappear. Constant nightmares every night. Therapy finally digging up the roots of my life and laying them on the table for me to figure out how to rebuild my life in a more manageable way. Having bipolar disorder and trying to deal with staying alive every day and staying safe. A lack of time and passion for my marriage so that we can live like we are more than just roommates. We are broke, can't even finish the last two school supplies on Joshua's list.  I got a Walmart credit card just to buy the first mess of supplies and our prescriptions.  The list goes on. It is a never ending hamster wheel. I spin and spin and spin. I want to care for the ones I love but that usually means being unauthentic. I can do that just fine, it’s just exhausting at the end of the day. People around me rush me to “get better”. It’s taken 40 years to get here, it may take a little while to unlearn those lessons and rebuild what is falling apart. I know this is uncomfortable for everyone around me. I get that this isn’t fun and that no one knows how to handle me. If that’s how you feel then guess how I feel.

Well, it is time to help Joshua wash his hair and brush his teeth. Both things that the dentist and the pediatrician have asked me to help him with. Then we will continue the path of walking on eggshells until we get to school.

I am so excited about my Friday!