It's Always Just Work

My well runneth dry.

I seem to be spending an awful lot of time being sucked to death.

On this journey called life, I have thrown myself into therapy. It was suggested by the therapists that I get more intensive treatment. So that is what I’m doing. I am going to 9 hours of therapy a week and at the end of October it will 10 ½ hours a week. I addition, there will be extra time speckled in there with my group facilitators to have private check-ins with me.

I am still volunteering at the center and am still on four boards. I have had to slack off a bit on the external activities because of my inability to eat. Most functions are dinners. I cannot attend and sit there staring at a plate of food that I can’t chew while others dine around me. Awkward.

Joshua has OT once a week and therapy every two weeks.

My mother. Just the word encompasses so much. I will be happy once my mother moves. She’s slowly depleting me of energy and patience.

Running a household (cleaning, laundry, groceries, half of the cooking, errands, phone calls, etc.)

Getting Joshua up and ready in the morning.

Driving Joshua to school and back and everywhere in between.

Everyone has aches and pains that I can’t fix and they don’t want to.

Any down time there is is spent with Joshua. Even if Joshua is in his room doing his thing, whenever he comes out (20 times) then he wants to be seen and heard.

Jason works more hours in a week than even exist. He gets up too early and falls asleep just as early.

Where is time for friends or phone chats? Where is Brenda time to just be? Where is couple time for our marriage?

I’m feeling zapped right now. I am hungry and I am tired and I feel like every fucking thing in life is work. Even eating food is work!

Today in therapy we discussed taking time for ourselves without guilt. Hahaha! I mentioned that in trying to take the time for myself, I work so hard at not feeling guilty and reminding myself that it is healthy. The work during down time is more exhausting than just doing whatever work needs to be done on your To Do List. That was a mouthful.

Life is work. Just work. All your life you work toward….

You hope you’ve worked hard enough to…

In the meantime, where does life go?

I just don’t understand the concept of wanting to remain in a place where all you do is work. Relaxation is work. It’s all work. How many times a day do you laugh? How many times a day do you wish you were doing something other than working? Other cultures take leisure time more seriously. They feel it is necessary to take down time in order to live a healthy life. They carve purposeful times in their day to sit and have a coffee and chat. America doesn’t have that. I certainly don’t have that. We go to work, we work at home, we work at school, we work until death. How much of your life time did you spend enjoying?

Oh what am I going on about anyway? It’s not going to change anything to sit here and rant on and on about shit. I just don’t understand it. Live to work and work to live, but when does the living begin?