Back to Reality

Spring break is here. That means that Joshua is home with me every day. I remember spring break being much more fun when I was younger. One spring break in college, my then boyfriend and I took a trip to see my sister in Dallas. I have a picture of us all sipping margaritas. Those were much different spring breaks from what I have now.

Now I have a 14 year old that seems to be attached to my shoulder at all times. If I hear the word “Mommy” one more time I might choke him. I cannot turn around without his face being right there in mine. The more time he spends with one person the more he wants to be with that person. I don’t get that at all, but I have been told that is one of the perks of autism. So, peeling him off of me has been extremely difficult. I want to throw him at Jason when he gets home, but Joshua keeps saying “Mommy”. Yay me!

It is harder to entertain him these days. He is 14 years old and does not play with toys. He does not like to do much of anything anymore. He loves to listen to his music which includes me listening to it as well or else he is “lonely”. I tried to read a magazine yesterday while we listened to music. He sat next to me and asked me who each person was on every page. Then the dog climbed on my shoulder and wanted to read too. I gave up and put the magazine down.

My son has no friends outside of school. Or maybe you already figured that one out. I’m a wee bit on the broke side right now so taking him out to do something that requires money is a bit of a reach. My goal yesterday was to make it through the day without a massive meltdown. Libbi said that may be too much to ask of myself.

I was desperate for a get away over the weekend so Jason and I went to the mountains to stay. I sort of spent more money than I should have. I wanted fresh air and rest from all of the crap that has been happening. Thankfully, I got it. But then I had to return to reality, which included unpaid bills. I do need to watch how I spend our money.

When I get slightly manic, the wallet tends to open up more. I am such a good bipolar girl. I follow the typical symptoms guide quite well. Then, when reality hits, the mania turns toward depression because I have to face what I have done. I have been known to rearrange furniture, go shopping for gifts for others, spend a lot of money, get the urge to move to a new house or country (and even begin to research the idea), clean out an entire basement tossing out things that I regret later…and the list goes on. I can get so much accomplished when I lean toward mania. I just need to learn how to steer all that toward the right path.

In answer to anyone’s questions…I am hanging in here. As you can see, I went toward mania over the weekend. Saturday night I had a mini meltdown but Jason was by my side to help hold onto me. He and Libbi have been taking good care of me. Jason checks in with me during the day to see how I’m doing. Libbi checks in with me more than once a week.

The weekend did wonderful things for me. Like I said, I came back to reality afterward. Reality is where things are hard for me.

Joshua is home with me this week. Did I mention that? That is a slap of reality right there. I spent too much money. Slap. My daily meditations are being interrupted by crying spells. I am facing anxiety about my dental surgery on Monday. I must wake Joshua up to get ready to go to OT this morning. Ugh.

I would like to go back to the mountains now. Can someone lend me a couple of bucks for gas?