Staring at the Ceiling

Have you ever gotten mesmerized by the snow coming toward your windshield and forgotten you are driving on the highway? All of the sudden you get that jolt that reminds you where you are. You can’t believe you didn’t swerve into somebody.

Have you ever driven with your eyes closed? It’s exhilarating. Not something I would suggest!! I do not want to be responsible for anyone reading this getting hurt! For me, it is truly freeing. I want to just keep going on that road. If I wasn’t concerned about harming others, I would let go and fly. I would think it would be more beautiful in the mountains where you have no buildings to stop you. You could just drive and then freefall into the brook below.

Me: What’s it like to want to live? Some people wake up in the morning and smile and are glad they are alive. I don’t understand that.
Libbi: A lot of people do love life. Most of the time people don’t question it. They just do it. They just live every day because it’s what they are supposed to do. You question it. You want to know why and what is the meaning. A lot of people just don’t worry about it.
Me: Lucky me. For 25 years I haven’t wanted to wake up another morning. And yet here I am wondering why.
Libbi: For you it’s different. While for other people they just go about their business, wake up, face the day, go to work, be with their family. For you, each day is a life or death decision. Each day you make the conscious choice to continue or not.

She got it. No one has ever said that before. I’ve never said it out loud before. Each day I make a decision. It has become so second nature that I forget the conversation even takes place when I open my eyes. But, it does. Every morning. Without fail. I lay there staring at the ceiling and exhale a heavy sigh. I am disappointed that I am still here. I get up and I ask myself if I have the energy that day, if I have the strength, if I have the guts to say goodbye. The times when I answered ‘yes’ I failed my attempts.

I get up and do what I am supposed to do just like everyone else. When my life is more balanced, I make the most of it. I try to be happy and work hard in my life and give to others. I struggle and challenge myself in therapy and on my journey. I tell myself that if I’m stuck here then I might as well make the best of it. I laugh and I have fun. Those are true feelings. I am passionate about things, emotional and love deeply. Inside, it is always there though. It never goes away. If given the way out what would I choose?

Some people find it selfish. My opinion is the opposite of that. Perhaps it is my lack of self worth that causes me to feel that way. I do worry about Joshua and who will care for him. I know everyone else can take care of themselves. There are days I think Joshua would be disrupted and sad and other days I think he would be able to forge ahead just fine. Maybe that is a blessing of autism. They really don’t have the same emotional responses as neurotypicals. But then it would lay a lot of burden on Jason. Obviously Ron wouldn’t fight for custody. Not sure how that would work though without a legal adoption and we all know Ron is not going to give up his fatherly rights. Oh how laughable. My will states my wishes in that regard, but who knows what would actually go down.

So, I remain here though I don’t want to. It makes people uncomfortable to know that. It is reality however. Even when my life is going splendidly, I would rather not have to do it. I am never fully happy. I am always bracing myself and waiting for something to happen. It is how I have been trained. I have trusted over and over and learned that you can’t let go completely because when you do you get hurt. They say ignorance is such bliss and I believe it. When you go through life thinking there are no bad people in the world then it is a beautiful place. I know there are bad things in the world. When a child lives in the idea that the world is a friendly place and then something shatters that belief, they change. They are no longer just children. They are jaded. Fairy tales do not exist. If those children grow up having that continuously drummed into their heads as the reach adulthood and beyond, the world is not a happy place. Maybe that’s why I love to go to Disney so much. Inside those gates there is childhood again. There is no boogeyman and you can pretend there are fairy tales for just a little while.

I work hard in therapy to try to retrain myself. I try to reverse what has been done to my brain over the years. Damn do I try. I have come far. But, it just doesn’t seem to erase that decision I make each morning when I wake up and stare at the ceiling. And breathe that heavy sigh of disappointment.