Stress Reduction Group???

I have been attending my groups for two weeks now. I have enjoyed them quite a bit. Today was a rough one.

We are working on assertiveness in my stress reduction group. Today’s section was “mistaken assumptions”. The counter to that is “your legitimate rights”.

From childhood to adulthood I was taught the mistaken assumptions and trained to live them. It is where I exist most of the time.

Here are a few examples:
“Things could get even worse, don’t rock the boat”
“You shouldn’t take up others’ valuable time with your problems”
“People don’t want to hear that you feel bad, so keep it to yourself”

The counter to those are:
“You have a right to negotiate for change”
“You have a right to ask for help and emotional support”
“You have a right to feel and express pain”

The last one is the one I selected to work on for my homework. “People don’t want to hear that you feel bad, so keep it to yourself”. I need to change that to “you have a right to express and feel pain”.

In group today, as we discussed these examples, one of the participants became angry. She took one of the examples, said why she didn’t agree with it and ended up on a tangent that created a very hostile reaction. The leader asked her to take a break in the lobby to cool down. This girl has talked previously about having a violent history before getting medication and therapy but if backed into a corner she feels she is on the edge of explosion. Okay, good to know.

There I was sitting at the table. I was feeling vulnerable from the lesson, memories from my upbringing and relationships. I felt raw and exposed even though I had not said much regarding myself. It was just the feeling I had because of the topic. When Hannah went off like that something in me was triggered. My PTSD and anxiety sky rocketed. I felt scared and unsafe.
After she left the room, the facilitator asked the group how we were feeling. A couple of people had just ignored it. Another one felt a little scared because she used to have anger issues and knew what it could escalate to. Another one of us said she felt badly for Hannah and wanted to help her. I was the last to speak. I was closed up. I had my arms crossed over me, I was bouncing my legs with anxiety and every movement around the room caught my attention. The tears were on the verge. The leader asked if I wanted to do some breathing exercises. Sure, okay, great. Afterward he asked me on a scale of one to ten with anxiety where was I before the breathing. A ten. Where was I after the breathing? An eight. He said he was proud of me for not shutting down completely and that he could tell I was handling it as best as I could because I was still communicating with him. Hannah walked back into the room and sat down.
I retreated into my shell again. I like this girl, I really do. I understand her issues and I do want to support her. It was just this trigger that took over. Feelings happen. Hers happened, mine happened.

The leader went around the table asking people to tell Hannah how they felt about the situation. They were all fairly easy going, not really saying much except that they were able to ignore it or had empathy. He turned to me and I just shook my head no. I couldn’t say anything. I was afraid of “rocking the boat”, taking up important time from the group with my emotions, and who the hell wanted to hear it anyway. Yes, the three examples above were just a piece of what was soaring through my mind.

I shut down for the rest of the group. I spent my energy holding back tears. I sat on my hands, bounced one leg and kept a high watch on my surroundings. I felt like prey in a predator’s world. My eyes darted toward every movement and sound. I tried to keep my head down so I did not seem like a twitching freak. I did not speak again until the end of the meeting when I was asked which mistake/right I was choosing for my homework.

After group the facilitator came over to me and did a check in. He asked if I was okay, if I wanted to talk and if I felt safe. I told him I didn’t want to talk because I would just start crying. He told me that it’s okay to cry. In front of someone else?? Oh how I am trying to work on that! I told him I would feel safe once I got home. He asked if I was sure When I nodded he stepped out of the way to let me pass.

I practically ran out of there. The tears started before I was ready for them to. Of course, someone that works at the center passed by me and said a huge hello and wanted to know how I was doing. I smiled and ran out the door. The tears were flying out of my eyes. I had no control of them. They flooded as I approached my car. One lady from group looked at me and smiled with a knowing and caring glance. I stumbled getting into my car because I wasn’t watching what I was doing. I just wanted to get out of there.

I sat in the driver’s seat and wailed. I could not believe my reaction to the situation. The little girl in me had come out for a moment in that room and someone lashed out in her presence. She was frightened and unprotected. One day I hope I will learn how to be her advocate and surround her with a feeling of safety.

In the meantime, I have a different feeling about group. I am apprehensive and my PTSD and anxiety are on alert. I am going to try not to let this feeling carry on through the weeks to come.

But if it does, “I have a right to feel and express my pain”.