Sad Chompers

Is it day 5 or 6? I guess it depends on when you started counting. Seems like forever to me. I have to remind myself to be patient with my progress and myself.

After spending the week in seclusion, I decided to go to my two groups on Friday. That was harder than hell. I hated the way I looked, the way I talked and I was embarrassed. In addition, the group experience I had last Friday had me a bit anxious. So to my surprise, I was well received, complemented, applauded and given the safe space to discuss my experiences, not only with my teeth but with group last week. In my morning group I cried. I allowed a few tears to drop and then I shut the faucet off. I am learning that it is okay to cry in front of people, but it is a slow process.

I have had a stressful week. I am depressed and trying not to show it. I know I have promised to be honest with my feelings. I am facing the idea in my head that if I tell people I feel like shit it will make them feel uncomfortable. Worrying about how everyone else is doing is exactly what I am not supposed to be doing. In group they reminded me to have compassion for myself and that it is important and okay to ask for help. I will get this drilled into my skull one of these days.
I am hungry. Since Monday I have lost over 8 pounds. My mom thinks that is fantastic. Weight loss is a nice bonus, but I prefer for it to be by choice and intention. Not because I can’t chew. I see now why people used to get their jaws wired closed to lose weight. Do people still do that?

Jason has been hand blending and pureeing my food. It works well with some things, not with others. Textures are hard for me right now. Things get stuck toward the back of my mouth, near my throat and then I gag. Anything too thick sticks to the roof of my denture and makes it difficult to swallow. I can’t close my mouth in a puckering sort of motion so wrapping my lips around a utensil is uncomfortable. I’ve been mostly wiping my food off my spoon and letting whatever it is slide as far into my mouth as I can get it to go.

There is soreness and pain. Taking them out and putting them in is the worst. It brings tears to my eyes. I can’t wait to remove them at night because it is such relief from the pressure and pain. I look like a muppet without my teeth. It’s kinda funny. I hate the way I look, but I can laugh at that part of it now. Jason has accepted me without the teeth. He never did care from the beginning. He said he loves me teeth or no teeth. That has helped a lot. I was able to sit with him for a while last night with the lights on and no teeth in. I was surprised at myself.

Jason and I have slacked off quite a bit on daily check-ins. I feel like I am asking too much of him. He is doing so much around the house these days and I appreciate him. I just don’t want my emotions to get brushed aside and sneak up on me in an overwhelming way again.

I am having a hard time emotionally right now. Between the discomfort, not liking how I look, being hungry, not getting my full nutrition, and so on…it’s natural to feel down. I know this. Rationally. But I am being impatient with myself and doing the whole “man up” thing in my head. I keep trying to remember that it hasn’t been a full week yet, I had 16 extractions in one day, still have stitches in and all that, have a large piece of plastic stuffed in my mouth and no idea how to talk properly or eat. I have too much saliva when I want to talk and not enough saliva when I want to eat!

What have I done to myself? I need to get through this. That may mean that some days I sleep more than usual just because I don’t notice the pain as much then. It makes the time pass more quickly. Wake me when I can eat pizza again.