Yucky

Day three. I thought I’d write a blog before my vicodin kicks in.

Today is rough. I am depressed and disgusted. I feel like crap. Sick to my stomach, in pain, still some swelling. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I sound. I’m embarrassed for anyone to see me. I look like a monkey. It feels like I’m trying to wear costume teeth that are too big for my mouth. I look different and I don’t like what I see.

Yesterday’s trip to the dentist hurt like a mother fucker. Last night he instructed me to take my teeth out to sleep. I was scared and just knew that Jason would think I looked ugly. I battled with myself about it. I took them out and it was such relief. Still hurt like hell, but there wasn’t that constant pressure on my gums. Jason said I was still beautiful and he loved me no matter what. I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up this morning with blood on my pillow and in my mouth. My tongue was black from it. It was just gross and made me sick to my stomach. I cleaned up and put the teeth in. Ouch. That was serious pain. I felt like my mouth was full of plastic Halloween teeth that I couldn’t swallow around.

I am filled with regret right now. I hate them. I am sad and feel ugly. The corners of my mouth are raw from being stretched during surgery and yesterday during the ten times of the in and out process at the office. I’ve got the ice pack out again to try to get some of the swelling down that seems to have puffed up again overnight. I’ve taken my antibiotic. I tried to eat some chicken soup with mashed up matzo balls in it. Didn’t work. I kept gagging. I got the liquid part down. I am supposed to have more in my stomach to not get nauseas from the pills, but it’s hard. I got some mashed bananas in pudding that I’m going to try next. It’s more like pureed so it may go down easier. I might try some mashed potatoes tonight that are really thinned out. The ordeal of taking my pills is ridiculous. But that is a priority right now so I continue to drown myself to get them down my throat.

The bleeding has finally slowed down today. I was getting really tired of that taste in my mouth. I’m finding it really difficult to close my lips around a spoon without a lot of pain. I am figuring out how to drink more efficiently today. I have been having some dribbling issues. I feel like a big baby and am having a very hard time being gentle with myself and this process.

I emailed Libbi today since I refuse to let anyone see me like this. I gave her a brief run down of how I’m feeling. I would love to have a conversation with her but forget it.

I am going to take my vicodin and hide under my covers for the rest of the day. I don’t want to answer the phone. My computer is going off. Thank you for your support.