Cheer for Me!

P to the T to the S to the D! What's that spell? (PTSD!!) What's that spell? (PTSD!) I can't hear you (over the noise)!! PTSD PTSD PTSD!!! YYAAAAYY!! My brain is zapped, blitzed, fried. There are so many people in and out of my house, the furniture is pushed everywhere, I don't know where anything is. Chaos, disorder. Large projects overwhelming me, budgeted money dwindling, nerves short circuiting. There are gaping holes where windows were just a few hours ago. The wind is fucking freezing. Did I mention it snowed this morning? I am in three layers of clothes and wearing gloves as I type this. I think my ass has frozen to the chair. I can't leave the house. I am stuck here. I can't move around the house because when I tried to go down the hallway to the bathroom I almost got smacked in the face by a pane of glass. I am sitting at my dining room table, which is pushed against the back wall and sliding glass door. I know it will be so much warmer when the windows are finished. Of course anything would be warmer than this. David needs parts for the bathroom, which he is working on today. But I can't leave until the windows are in. I have to pay them. Plus, they keep asking me questions like, "can I use the restroom?". I like David. However, every time his phone "rings" it annoys me. I know I'm just nitpicking now. That is where I'm at though. I'm in nitpicking mode. That needling feeling that happens when you are just teetering on the edge of explosion. On the first day, when his phone went off, I thought there were whales down my kitchen drain. Every time I heard the sounds I hurriedly looked around the room for an animal. After a full day of this, I figured I could stop because he obviously had this for a ringtone. The second day it was starting to irritate me. I asked him if he loved whales so much that he had a ring tone set with their sounds. No, those are actually elks. Who am I to judge? The smell of the adhesive or whatever the hell they are using is swimming through my head, slightly nauseating and gives a little bit of a painful twinge to the temples, but otherwise it adds a beautiful aroma to the already mixing scents in the house. There are people above me, below me, next to me. If it was dark right now I'd be hiding under my bed with my blankie. This is enough to freak a person out. One with emotional issues is likely to jump right through the already missing window. Snap, crackle, pop...no that's not my cereal folks, that's the sound of my brain cells. It is not that I am ungrateful by any means. I love the new things being done to the house. It is the upgrade we have needed for years. The house will run more efficiently, the electric bill will drop considerably and we won't feel like we're falling through the floor anymore. I am very happy with the changes we're making. I will be happier when it is finished and the horrible squeaking of metal ladders closing and opening and the tasty layer of sawdust in my glass of water are gone. I know that this madness is how we reach our goal. Once we make it through this crummy process we will sit back and enjoy our decisions. Either my teeth are chattering or the bones in my skull are rattling. I would ask if someone could close the door but seriously what would be the point? I think the phone just rang but who knows? It wasn't elks. It's not the Spanish music coming from the window people's radio. Just a slight far away ringing. I suppose I'll check and see if there's messages later when I can hear. My mom dropped by earlier and every time I tried to say something a drill would start up. Between that and the breeze she decided to go home. Remind me again why I quit smoking? Just kidding, I wouldn't blow it. It'll be two years this April. But I still smoke in my dreams dammit! I think that's the same Spanish song that was playing thirty minutes ago. Hammer, thud, drill. Noise noise noise. I can't curl up anywhere. I have to be a big girl and handle all of this. I have contemplated calling my therapist. We are on an on call basis now. If I need her, I call. I've called two or three times since we set that up a couple of months ago. Somehow when I break down and make the call it feels like I'm admitting defeat. I know that is not the case, rationally. But, in my irrational mind, it's like I'm disappointing someone. However, this situation may call for a chat since I am beginning to get more and more jumpy as the days go by. Well, I appreciate the company during this brief period of time. But, alas, I shall go now and see why David is calling me to look at something. Keep your fingers crossed that this is not another stumbling block in the road.