Mama Bear

Holy fucking shit. If a mom could be more angry I don't know who she is. I am so fucking pissed off!!!!!!

A week ago Joshua came home with an invitation to a knight's court ceremony. At Northglenn Middle School, they are called The Northglenn Knights. There is a knight's code, knight on horseback as a mascot, etc. In order to be knighted in school, one must have achieved a high GPA. Joshua's invitation was announcing that he was being knighted. At first, Jason and I looked at each other like something was very wrong with this as Joshua does not have a GPA that high and his special needs tend to keep him on the bottom rung of anything in school. As Joshua explained, in his most excited voice, that he was being honored because of how hard he worked on his CSAP tests (colorado student assessments). That seemed like a good reason and we figured they were recognizing the special needs kids' hard work. We accepted the invitation and got excited along with Joshua. He explained the ceremony to us over and over again. We practiced him kneeling so that he could get back up in front of the whole school. He told us about the special medallion you get around your neck and you get a sweater in the school colors. You also get to sit at the Knight's Table in the cafeteria which is apparently a big deal. For a week Joshua has talked about this, he has planned for this, he asked that we go out to dinner that evening to celebrate. He has been proud of himself and overjoyed with pride. The principal came to Joshua at lunch and praised him on his hard work and said how proud she was of him. Tomorrow is the ceremony.

We picked Joshua up from school today. When he got into the car, he announced that he was not happy and he had to tell us something serious. He produced a letter from the principal stating that the invitation we received was a mistake. Joshua is not getting knighted. The scores they pulled were incorrect and these kids were not the correct ones.

Let's put ourselves into the mind of a 13 year old. Now, take yourself further into that mind and add autism and bipolar disorder. Can you comprehend this letter? Can your emotions handle this blow?

It's one thing to get teased, bullied, picked last, and all of the other shit that goes on in middle school. But to have the school reject you? That's a whole different ball of wax.

Joshua was crushed. Crushed. Things have been rough with Joshua lately, this is not helpful. Tonight we've had the tears, the migraine, the massive negativity about the world and himself. He doesn't believe his work is good enough now, he doesn't think he's a hard worker, he feels sad and disappointed and angry. He is so down on himself. Self esteem? Bye bye.

When we got home I immediately called the school. Of course, the principal and two assistant principals were at the admin building. So, Nadine, the front desk secretary, spoke with me. She explained their side, which is fine. I understand human error. It would be nice for a double check or proofread before sending invitations out, but what do I know? I told Nadine that although she calls this "inconvenient" it is more than that to Joshua. Mistake or not, you don't pull the rug out from under kids like that. You don't build them up to tear them down. Who the fuck do they think they are? I was pretty irate on the phone, but I did not swear. I told them that something must be done to make up for this mistake. They have to compensate these kids somehow. She understood, she likes Joshua, she didn't even stop to think about his emotional state. Gee, thanks. I asked why a school counselor was not brought in on this to help Joshua process it all in the moment and support him? Oh, they didn't think of that. She is just heartbroken about all of this. She is going to talk to the principal tomorrow about it. I told her Joshua will not be in school tomorrow. She agreed that that is a good idea. I didn't really care what she thought at that moment. I'm not going to put him through that. By the end of the conversation I was crying. My voice was cracking and I couldn't breathe. Grrrr...stay angry...stay angry. Tears just came. We hung up. Joshua tossed his books across the table, he said he was not going back to school. I told him that next week is spring break so he gets to have a break anyway. He has continued through the evening with his extreme negative thoughts about himself and school.

WHAT THE FUCK?!? Why would you do this to a child? The afternoon before the ceremony! Joshua tried to talk himself out of what he really wanted from this experience. First, he said the medallion wasn't that important. Then he said being knighted wasn't all that special. He went back to wanting the medallion because it's gold (his favorite color). Then he said he really wanted the sweater. Then he cried a little. He also talked about a surprise you get in the commons area which he was really looking forward to. I did my best to make him feel better, telling him that those things don't prove his worth or his hard work. I said all that crap. We all know that it isn't going to help a thing. I've been in those feelings. That rejection, that "not good enough" feeling that takes over your thoughts and emotions. I could have said that the world was going to spit gold coins for him and it wouldn't have changed a damn thing. Poor kid. What the hell is wrong with these people? You just don't do that to someone, anyone.

I'm pissed off, I'm hurt for him. I want to blow the damn school up. I want to shred the principal from the inside out with my teeth. I want to set the books on fire.

Earlier today, I was informed that Joshua's therapist is not returning from maternity leave. I told her she wouldn't, but she swore she would keep working. We planned on her return so we could resume the regularly scheduled therapy. Now we will have the joy, once again, of getting to know another therapist. His psychiatrist rescheduled our appointment yesterday so that will now be over two months behind on seeing him because the last appointment was cancelled by them as well.

Could we stack anything else on my son? Could we make our job as parents any harder? Fuck you school, fuck you therapists and psychiatrists, fuck you whoever else is making a contribution, just fuck you.