Bday Week!

The week of my birthday has arrived!!! So tell me what my problem is.

I have been freaking excited about my birthday. The significance of it, the next part of my journey will begin, a turning point on the path I have worked so hard to walk. Don’t get me wrong, I am still psyched as hell for it. I think my party is going to be awesome. But my emotions have been driving me nuts!

I am trying to find the triggers and put a stop to them so that I can be more happy than sad. The sadness is definitely NOT because of my birthday. Some may think “oh, she’s turning 40 and subconsciously she is sad because blah blah blah”. Nope, that’s not it.

Every birthday I cry. When I was little my mother had a tendency to do something that made me cry on my birthday. I won’t rehash any of it because I don’t’ want to, but suffice to say that this was a yearly occurrence. She once told me as I was crying, due to some shitty thing that she had a hand in, at a sleepover party I had at our house that if you cry on one birthday then you will cry on every birthday after that. For once my mother was right! I have tried each birthday to forget those words so as to not project it onto my day and therefore make myself cry about something. Alas, it has yet to happen. Perhaps that is in my subconscious. I’d like to think that this year will be different. Could this be a year to also make a change to that tradition?

Money always has me in an emotional swing. Now that Jason has gotten a promotion (yayy Jas!) I think that the monthly woes will ease a bit. Our bills will now be paid more on time and we can also afford groceries in the same week. His new pay did not start on the date we had planned. So, in my head, the way the money was earmarked for things did not exactly go as I had hoped. The sum I had put aside in my brain and on my party budget papers was slightly different than what the paycheck and electric company agreed on. I have trimmed back some of the things I wanted and talked myself out of a couple of others. They were food and pamper Brenda related. I was going to get a mani/pedi this week just to feel primped and princessed. LOL So obviously not important stuff! I am still going to get my hair cut because I need to anyway and thought it was a good time to get a new doo, but that’s only $15 at Supercuts for goodness sakes! And the food parts that I have taken away were not a huge deal for me.

I’ve had my meds bumped up which I can tell has made a positive difference and Jason has been able to see it too. The only drawback is that my word finding problems have increased. “Word Finding” is what the docs call the side effect of not being able to find the words in your head to make your mouth say when you want to speak. Basically it’s the term for sounding like a babbling idiot at the most inopportune times. Well, my moments have blossomed into most conversations. It’s funny as hell, but also quite frustrating. I had become used to it before and worked around it as much as possible, but this new level of it has me a bit irritated. I’ll get used to it and work on it as time passes.

I am wanting to allow myself to let go at my party. I don’t want to worry if people are having a good time or if my mother is going to be a pain in the ass. I want to have fun. I want it to be the beginning of the rest of my life. I know it may sound like I’m hanging on awful lot on this day and I understand that. It is an important day for me. It is the symbol of a lot of years coming to a section in the road where I can choose the next path for my journey. Not that I will wake up Sunday morning and be a changed woman with rainbows and sparkles surrounding my bed. Because that would just be weird and extremely unrealistic. I feel an internal shift and I want to wake up on Sunday with the promise to myself that I will now take what I have learned all of these years and apply it to my life. The tools are on my belt. Now I get to put them to use.

Am I crying because I’m scared? Maybe. Am I sad because I have some external triggers going on? Could be. Am I emotional because I want things to be more than reasonable? It isn’t the first time. I tend to put quite a bit of pressure on myself, not sure if anyone’s noticed that. (sarcasm) Which, oddly enough, is one of the goals I have for the next part of my journey.

I know this for sure, I’m a little tangled up and I think it’s a combination of everything. I have put a lot of pressure on myself, I am scared, I have some external triggers happening and I am the poster child for Emotional Freaks from Another Planet Club.

Now that we’ve worked that out together, hand me a fucking tissue already.

Growing up can be overrated.

(Pogo is a musical mix genius)