Umm...no?

Did I mention to anyone that the day after tomorrow is my birthday? And that it is All About Me!

In this quest to be a person who takes themselves as seriously as she takes other people, I have been working on the word “no”. That word has been with us since day one. Our parents used it to scold us and then to keep us from doing something stupid and on occasion kept us from having any damn fun. Then many of us used it to turn down a possible date or because we just felt like not doing whatever it was. Then as adults we have passed the word down to our children. So on and so forth. Some of us spent so much time following everyone else’s “no” that we forgot how to say “no” for ourselves. Growing up, my “no” was ignored. I wasn’t listened to. Whatever or whoever I said that word to never stopped. It was always left to the other people’s whim. Therefore my “no” became more and more quiet until it disappeared all together.

This does not work for me any more. I have said “yes” to everything. Things I have not wanted to do, things I have hated, things I have regretted. Why? I want to save the other person’s feelings. I don’t want to make waves or rock the boat. Confrontation scares me. Things will go more smoothly if I just keep my mouth shut and go along with it. And then these thoughts eventually lead to the “I’m not worthy of having my own opinion”.

Hello 40! Years have passed and still I am working on this one damn word. It’s a hard one. Why must I be uncomfortable or sad or miserable or upset in order to make someone else happy? Why is everyone else allowed to make demands and I am supposed to stay silent?

Not working for me anymore. I’m not going to do it. Or at least I’m going to TRY.

A conversation with my mother a few weeks ago…
Mom: So I was thinking I would ask Gil to your party.
Me: Why?
Mom: Well, because everyone else there will have someone to pair up with and I won’t. It would be nice to invite him.
Me: He isn’t very much fun though, is he? He’s a bit stuffy.
(meanwhile I am running through thoughts in my head about how much I do not want the man there and how could I possibly tell my mother this and she will be upset and so on and so on)
Mom: Yea, he doesn’t loosen up much. But I think I should invite him.
Me: (brick hits me on the head) No, Mom. Gil is not invited to my party. If I had wanted him there I would have invited him before now. (cringe)
Mom: Gasp! Well…I…okay, if you don’t want him there then I won’t ask him.

Holy shit! I told her No! I said it. And she was surprised, but didn’t argue with me. Big sigh of relief.

Fast forward to a few nights ago. A friend of mine asked if she could bring her best friend with her to my birthday. There is a Halloween party later in the evening that they are going to and logistically it would be easier for them to already be together. I have met this other friend a few times and she has spoken about three words to me in total. She is a nice girl, but I don’t know her. We all know what a self conscious person I am and it is taking all of my energy and power to make this party about me and not everyone else. It’s a lot harder than you may think! I sat with this dilemma for a minute or two. I pondered the pros and cons. I worried that my friend would be pissed or hurt or never speak to me again or think horrible things about me. I started questioning whether I should go with my What Would Libby Say thought process or just wing it. Libby did make me promise that I would keep the WWLS mantra at the front of my brain at all times when it came to this party. I told my friend “no”. Then tears welled up in my eyes and I braced myself for pain. I knew she would hate me. I quickly followed my answer up with all sorts of personal explanations about myself, my quirks and my reasons. She said she wasn’t angry with me and that she understood. I later wrote her an email with a bit further explanation. I felt better doing that. And her response to me was positive. I took my mask down a tiny bit for her and she got where I was coming from. We came to an understanding about whether she would attend the party or celebrate with me another time in order to make the day easier for her. She is still contemplating the options. I am truly happy with it either way. I am at peace with this one.

When I relayed this story to my mother, which I have no clue why I did, she was taken aback and not very happy with me. She felt I should have bent over and let it happen. Just the fact that she was put off by it told me I had made the right decision for myself.

I am satisfied with my “no’s”. I feel good about them. I followed my heart and my WWLS mantra. I think she would be proud of me. That is one huge fucking step I took. And no one hates me. Imagine that.