One Love

Everything in life must have balance. Yin and Yang. Without balance the world does not work.

I always talk about balancing out the responsibilities in my life. Sometimes I spread myself too thin. I try to have enough time for everyone and everything that I believe is important. I’m not a pro by far.

When I try to break it all down my brain gets overloaded. I have people in my life that I want to give attention and emotion to. I have volunteer work that I want to give attention and time to.

I have so much love to share with the world that I am bursting with it. There are times I am more passionate about one thing over another…or I am more passionate about one friend more than another. It is not a matter of who means more to me. It’s a matter of who or what has sparked me at that moment.

You know those circles you draw to see what layer people fall into. Well for me, I have a lot of acquaintances. I have a group of friends. They are the ones that I care about but share time with once in a while. They are in my heart and they know this and we connect when we can. Then I have my close circle of people whom I try to interact with as often as humanly possible. And then there is my family.

If we break it down, those who are my closest friends and my family are the ones that I want to devote the most attention and emotion to. Sometimes, as you all know from my past blogs, this is not the easiest thing for me to balance out.

Jason, my dear husband, gets the leftovers most of the time. We get the opportunity to connect at night when both of us are nodding off to sleep. We barely have a chance to hear about each other’s day without interruption. I try desperately to save the evenings for him, although our actual time together is so much shorter. Thank you, Jason for trusting our connection enough to ride the insanity with me and still love me with everything you are.

Suzy, my sister. She is one of my best friends and our relationship has gone through a lot of shifts and changes over the years. Right now is the most amazing it has ever been. My dream is to talk to her on the phone at least once a week. She is patient with me. She knows there are some weeks that come and go and I am too overwhelmed to pick up the phone. She means more to me than she probably knows because I have so little time to show it.

Sam, my girlfriend. The oddest thing of all is that she is one person I want to be spending so much of my time with and don’t. Maybe once a week we get to have a full chat, maybe. The rest of the time we are trying to catch each other here or there. If you ever think that you are not important to me, keep this tidbit of info in mind. Sam just said to me last week that my friends here should consider themselves lucky that they get to see me when they want and talk to me when they want because she would love to and can’t. Thank you for sticking with me all of these years through the distance and time difference.

Candice, my oldest friend. We have known each other for over 30 years. We talk on the phone once a month, sometimes we go longer. We know that we love each other and there is no question that we are here for each other when needed. We both live busy lives, but at the same time we are completely secure in our bond.

Mychele, a high school friend. She is a difficult one. I make a phone date with her once a week in order to keep her feeling secure about our relationship. If it does not happen for some reason then she starts to get angry.

Jerolyn, Kristi and Bri. These three are my local friends. My best friends who are my sisters. I cannot imagine my life without these girls.

Kristi and I have been through a roller coaster of emotions in our friendship. We’ve known each other for about 20 years. We’ve been so close that we couldn’t go a day without seeing each other to losing contact all together to living within minutes of each other to living over an hour apart. Distance has affected our relationship because we don’t get to see each other very much at all. I have tried very hard to be better about phone calls with her. I think I’ve done better, at least I hope I have. I would love to spend more time with her, but unfortunately our lives have us existing in our separate cities. I want to see her more, I’m just not sure how to work that out with the long drive. Any suggestions?

Jerolyn and I have known each other for about five years now. We share a tight bond and spent every day together for the longest time. We have been involved in each other’s family lives immensely. Then she moved about 30 miles away. It takes me 40 minutes to get to her house. Our friendship is affected by the distance. We don’t see each other as often and our busy lives have created difficulty with phone time. Is it possible to learn smoke signals?

When I first moved to CO, a lady I worked with, Tammy, and I became good friends and would meet for lunch or go for a walk together in the afternoons. She now lives in Florida. Then there was April. We went to classes together at Front Range Community College. We became super close. We spent a lot of time together. She moved to Louisiana. What the fuck is with my friends moving away from me? Do I smell???

Bri is the newest of my sistahs. We’ve known each other over a year now. She lives close by. We try to meet up once a week, maybe every other week. Both of our lives are crazy. Her husband and mine get along well. We get together as couples which is a nice change for us. Neither one of us are much for the phone and tend to use email and messages to communicate. She is one of the most open people I have ever met.

I never want any of my friends to feel less important than others. Every person in my life is important to me. I have enough love for every one. My time may be tied up one way or another and we may not see each other as often as we once did or as often as we’d like, but it does not mean you are not a huge part of my life. I need every one to know that I love them. If I seem closer to one person this week and another next week, it is not because I have less interest in a third person. It just means that at that moment in time we are clicking in a different way. No one in my life is being replaced nor do they need to be replaced because I have enough spaces in my life for everyone. I need for every one in my life to be secure enough in our bond to let me be free with my emotions and my time and my affection and not get worried that I love them any less. I don’t want to give up anyone in order to make another feel more secure. I don’t want to hide what I am doing from someone because I fear their reaction.

Turning 40 is a major experience for me. I am looking forward to it and part of this turning point on my journey is learning to love myself and speak up for what I want. Libbi, my frontal lobe, is teaching me to listen to my heart and my mind. My heart and my mind are screaming to be accepted for who I am. I have enough love for every one and I am doing the best I can. If you love me, please trust our bond, please feel secure in our connection. Support me in my growth. Honor it with me. Celebrate with me. You are all important in my life and I love you.