Bullshit

I'm trying to find my way home. So many hurdles cause me to swerve. Random emotions buzz around my head like a swarm of stinging bees. The pain comes in bursts, punches to the stomach that steal my breath. I circle the outside of the house. Through the windows I watch the movement inside. I'm not included. I don't want to be. I yearn to be. How did I get out here? Where is the door?

I plan for the future while I wish there was none. I hold back tears and swallow sadness so that others will be comfortable around me. Still, as I drown, I worry what others are thinking and if I say I'm sorry will they forgive me for making them uncomfortable.

I am uncomfortable. It's like sleeping on a bed of nails, walking on shards of glass, feeling needles prick your skin a thousand times and then a thousand times more. I don't want to be in my own skin. If I sit quietly, my insides feel like they're swimming, floating, disconnected. I want to scream, but have no voice. I want to bawl, but have run out of tears. I feel empty and dry. Is it possible to carry a desert inside the pit of your stomach?

My head is heavy, my eyelids don't want to stay open. I would like to be in a coma. Laying there, in my bed, eyes open, eyes closed, it doesn't matter. No talking. No eating. Just serenity in another world. Darkness. Shut off from reality. It could happen so easily. To slip into that state of mind. But, I hold onto the thread that keeps me from floating away. Because I am supposed to. I'm expected to. What would it be like to just let it go? Let it run through my fingers and watch it whip in the wind. It almost makes me smile.

And then I am suspended in midair. No gravity. Like a sky diver with out falling. Just there, arms outstretched, body supported by the emptiness.

Every night I go to sleep to the thoughts in my head that the next morning I will not wake up. And every morning I wake up with thoughts that I am still here to see the sun rise again. Then I question why. For what purpose? I don't want to hear because I'm needed. I don't want to be needed right now!

Why can't the icy waterfalls of the beyond wash over me and sweep me away? If not me, then at least the pain.

How can I be in such misery and be numb at the same time? It makes no sense at all. And yet that is how it is. A cavernous pit of nothing lined with despair. I don't even feel like I have a face anymore. I'm just a blank screen that once in a while has a channel come in. Usually it's a show about clowns. Smile and joke so the world will think you're happy. Step right up folks, a dollar for a peek, the side show freak is here! Don't poke at her, she might tear your head off. Be careful what you say, you might make her cry. Tiptoe on the eggshells softly as you stare at her, you don't want to do the wrong thing.

The exhaustion is killing me. Everything is a chore. I am moving through quicksand trying to navigate with a blindfold on. All of the energy I have is spent on making everyone else feel pleasant so that I don't ruin their day. How do depressed people manage to hide this from the rest of the world? Does it come with the illness? A little perk among the bullshit.

Questions, questions with no answers. Over and over. A skipping record to add to my collection of internal records. I don't have enough to listen to in my head, I can always use more.