Let it out

Another Tuesday night, another class...

Tonight was hard, as they all seem to be lately. We opened up about our feelings. We were honest. We were raw. And no one judged. It felt good, but it brought up a lot of stuff. There is so much guilt that goes along with being the mom of a mentally ill child.

I regret getting pregnant with Joshua. That's the honest truth. I regret it. I wish it hadn't happened. There were a lot of parents there that felt the same way. We all have wondered if residential treatment might be better for them. If we knew before we gave birth, would we have. Then the guilt soon follows. But, it's okay.

We broke into groups and discussed our feelings and emotions, hardships and burdens. Across the board, we all had similiar feelings and experienced similiar things.

The consensus was that we all feel like employees that work 24 hours a day, get evaluated on a constant basis by our bosses and receive no pay. We are always on for these family members. We work and we work, we do and we do. And they critique it. We'll never get it right. And if we do, it'll change in a minute anyway. No wonder half of us can't work a job outside of the home, we're already working our asses off! And it will be this way forever. There is no letting up. We are the caretakers. I am already beginning to think of all of the paperwork to get together to become power of attorney for Joshua when he turns 18.

The teachers are going to type up our notes from tonight and hand them out next week. It will be good to have them compiled, then we can remind ourselves that we are not alone in how we feel. Maybe I'll share them when I get them.

On another note...

I have had a couple of people ask me how I am. I can continue to be honest and raw here. I hate my life right now. Every night I look up how much a one way ticket is to somewhere...anywhere. I want to run so far and so fast. I want to get out of here. I'm tired. I'm drained. The bullshit is overwhelming. I've been depressed for a few weeks now. I put a good game face on. I didn't realize I was that much of a master of the masks. I would like to bash my head into a brick wall. But, I can do it with a smile on my face that tells the world I am peachy fucking keen. The only way to deal with the pain and anger is to let it out. I'm holding it in too much. I want to shake the people around me and scream in their faces. "I AM IN PAIN, CAN YOU SEE ME?" I mean seriously. What the hell? I am standing in front of you, a shadow of myself, and you tip toe around me like if you pretend it's all okay, then it will go away. It doesn't work that way. In fact, most of the time that makes it worse. It creates a frustration of being invisible. It reinforces the feelings of isolation, being misunderstood, feeling alone and sinking, wanting to crawl further into myself.

I want to tear the flesh off of my bones, shriek and yell, throw myself from the tallest building and pound my fists on the icy wall in front of me. It's a volcano of frustration and pain inside of me that sizzles and threatens the cozy world around me.

Can I scream now?