Please do not take

The amount of strength it takes for me to wake up in the morning and get out of bed is overwhelming. Holding back the tears through the day sucks another level of energy of out me. Facing the world and moving through it as a functioning adult takes yet another level of energy from me. I also have to be the mother of a high needs child and a wife who somewhat keeps the house running. I am still a board member and advocate and student. At the same time I need to wear a mask to hide from people the fact that inside I feel like I am decaying. Now I am asked to instruct others on how to take care of me and be supportive when they ask. But I cannot forget to take care of them at the same time. I love you, my friends and family. I truly do. Please, try to understand. I am not being difficult on purpose. I have not forgotten about you and your needs. I know this is difficult on you.

You want me to give, when I have nothing left to give. An empty vessel with an echoing heartbeat. It is easier for me to connect the dots and color in the picture for you. If I had the energy, I would spend it making you feel better about this. But I don't. I cannot conjure up something that, at this moment in time, does not exist. I know this is hard on you. I am sorry for falling into the pit of depression. I tried to brace myself as I have before, but for some reason my foot slipped and I went spiraling down. I would accept all responsibility for my collapse, but my illness does not work that way. I carry enough guilt as it is, I do not think I can bear to add that on top as well. I did my best, as I do every day.

I would rather stay in bed. I would rather stay asleep. I would rather shut you all out. I would rather close the door on the world. I would rather not go outside. I would rather not answer the phone. I would rather not talk to anyone. I would rather pretend the universe does not exist. I would rather not open my eyes. But I am. And it hurts. And it drains me. Please, do not ask of me what I do not have to give right now.

I love you, that never changes, even though it may seem like I could care less, inside of me, you are always important.