Again, our son has broken the rules. Last night Joshua decided, once more, that he did not have to adhere to the bed time that is set for him. 9pm, we believe, is a decent bed time for a 14 year old. Especially one that is on medication and has a hell of a time getting up in the morning. He does not agree. Last night he ignored us when we said it was bed time.

Jason and I were lights out and snoring by 10pm when Joshua popped into our room to let us know he was ready for bed and to tuck him in. We, in turn, let him know that no such thing would happen because we were already sleeping and he was up an hour past his bedtime. A fit began and we ignored him, which pissed him off more and he went to his room banging and stomping. Now we were awake and frustrated. Jason’s alarm goes off just after 3a.m. We can all see the dilemma here. Needless to say, Jason woke up with a headache, very little sleep and exhausted.

Today I removed Joshua’s TV from his room. This is something that Joshua’s therapist has suggested we do when things like this happen. Remove the privilege from his room. Actually, Scott has told us to remove everything from Joshua’s room and make him earn each thing back. We haven’t gone to that extreme. (yet) I did not tell Joshua about the TV until after dinner. He whined and carried on for a bit, but shorter than usual. We the situation to him, what he did wrong, how to earn it back, etc. At the end of the conversation he seemed to take it all fairly well. Until we got upstairs.

Guess who was bored. Now, Joshua has lost TV time, radio time, computer time, whatever before. And he has found other things to occupy his time. Tonight the TV was actually gone from his room and he had a horrible time trying to figure out what to do. So he decided that he would bop in and out of our room and then got irate when we told him that it was our room and he didn’t need to be in there with us. He argued, his feelings were hurt, blah blah blah.

7:30p.m. Joshua said he wanted to just go to bed and force himself to sleep. Okay! No arguments from us!

Now, this little recount of the situation is not the purpose of my blog. This is just the story behind where I am going next.

My Mother.
Earlier today, my mother accompanied me to the store. We were chatting about Joshua. She asked how his behavior had been recently. I told her about the bed time and the TV. Well, you would think I had cut the kid’s hands off. She felt so badly for Joshua. “Poor baby”. Really?

We leave the store and are driving home.
Mother: Brenda, I have a comment to make.
Me: Oh shit, what is it?
Mother: What’s wrong? You don’t want me to tell you?
Me: Is it going to hurt my feelings?
Mother: Would I ever do that to you?
Me: Yes.
Mother: Oh, well anyway…I think the punishment you are giving to Joshua is unnecessary. You should be happy that this is all he is doing. He could be like the normal kids and stay out all night or get into bad things. But, he just sits at home and watches his TV at night. You should be really happy about that.
Me: Silence on the outside. On the inside…are you fucking kidding me? I should be happy? Oh my god.
Mother: I think that taking things away is only punishment for you. The TV is such a good babysitter.
Me: Silence on the outside. On the inside…are we seriously having this conversation? Did she just say the TV is a good babysitter?
Mother: I think you should let him have the TV.
Me: Mom, if I don’t teach him to abide by the rules he will never understand the necessity of abiding by the rules of society. He needs to learn that time is important. If your boss tells you that you get an hour for lunch and you decide to take two because you just feel like it, you will get fired. If you need to be at work at 8am and you stroll in at 9 because you were too tired to wake up then you are going to have one pissed off boss. If I don’t teach him how to function in society then he will never know. He is not a normal kid who just grasps these things by osmosis. He needs to be shown. He needs to understand that respecting authority is not a joke.
Mother: Well, we were pretty lenient on you and you ended up being able to function.
Me: I am not autistic.
Mother: That’s true. But I just don’t think you need to be so strict with him. Wait a few years to teach him those things.
Me: He’s going to be in high school next year. You think he needs to be treated special because he’s Joshua.
Mother: No, because he’s my grandson. And you should feel lucky that he doesn’t do some of those things that other kids do.
Me: If Joshua is really upset by his consequence then I’ll have him call you and you can sympathize with him.

End of conversation. This just slays me. I am glad that Joshua does not get into trouble like “normal” kids. But, the situation does not make me “happy”. I don’t even know how to address something so extremely wrong.

We already second guess our parenting on a constant basis and put up with way more than we feel we should. We never know whether we’re coming or going and I am convinced we are screwing up royally. But, we are doing the best we can. Joshua’s therapist validates our feelings and thinks we should be more strict than we are. It’s a tug of war between everyone’s opinions and suggestions and we don’t have a clue what the hell we’re doing! Are we getting any of this right?

I guess the good thing is that Joshua is already set up in therapy so he can work through our mistakes as he grows older. Who needs a college fund? A therapy fund makes way more sense.

As for my mother…she doesn’t need therapy, she needs to be committed.