It has been a while since I blogged. After the experience with Joshua that sent me into a trauma time capsule I haven’t felt much like writing. Thank you to my friends and family who texted me, called me and emailed me to check up on how I was doing. You guys give me a leg to stand on when I feel broken.
During the week of the episode I had a lot to face. I had memories, nightmares, tears and pain. Some progress came out of it all. I wrote a letter I had been avoiding for 13 years. It broke open a huge closet of skeletons that I am now dealing with. From one fire into the next!
The Penn State story could not have come at a worse time for me. It touches on the very things that are stirring such pain in me. I understand the survivors. (I much prefer that word over “victim”) The worst thing that Paterno had to deal with was the loss of a job. He could have done more than he did for those young people. So while he has to deal with losing a job…the survivors get to deal with…? Their entire lives filled with triggers, memories and trauma. I’m sure they would trade what they have been through and continue to endure for the loss of a job.
My nights are usually filled with strange dreams and nightmares. When I am going through a PTSD period of time the nightmares get kicked up a notch. They are more graphic, details stick out. There is more pain, more fear. My usual nightmares are terrifying so you can imagine how tough can be.
I’m a bit fragmented in this entry, I can see that as I read back over it. It’s been a rough week with Joshua home sick. Again, not the best timing! I’m getting the pieces of my mind back together. Libbi has been such a huge help to me. She is navigating me through the rocky waters of my past. She takes me as deep as I need to go and pulls me back out if I feel like I’m drowning. There are years of my life that have been shut away so I wouldn’t have to feel them. They have been something I can talk about in a distant sort of way. It happened to “her”…not me…I just get to experience the fall out from it. Now I am bringing myself back into it. I am realizing it was me and it is me. Not “her”. I have to cry. I have to feel. I have to be validated. I have to get angry. I have to not forgive before I can forgive. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone. I make excuses and take blame for things that were done to me. Instead of placing blame where it belongs and getting angry at those who hurt me. Dammit I need to get angry. I need to weep. I need to release it.
It will happen, it is happening. This is tough shit for anyone to go through. Digging up bones is dirty work.
It's ok. We will all understand your having dirty fingernails. No sense in bringing out the soap for awhile, my dear. Keep going. All of us, your friends and family, will be waiting to help wash you up when you take a break from the muck and mire pit.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, we also know it's going to be there for a long time. No worries. We have lots of soap and stacks of clean towels...oh, and did I mention - there was a sale on Kleenex?? I have oodles...