Disappointment

Disappointment is a tough pill to swallow. With all of the people in our lives one or two are bound to disappoint us in some way. They don’t intend for that to be the result, but it happens.

I’ve had a couple of disappointments this week. Big ones. But I am only going to address one.

The past few days since Joshua has been gone, my mornings have been fabulous. I wake up without worrying about the Wrath of Joshua. The demonic actions and words do not spout forth at the dinner table. The house is peaceful, clean and balanced. It is filled with laughter and ease. I can have a conversation with my husband, an actual full conversation. We can hug, snuggle, and hold hands without interruption or snotty comments. Ahhh, it has been wonderful.

Last night at 11:41pm the phone rang. I had finally drifted off to sleep when the horrid sound broke the silence. It was Ron. Oh joy. It was 1:41am where they are. Ron then unfolded a story of something that had occurred the afternoon before. Apparently during their drive from North Carolina to Florida, Joshua and Emily were sitting in the back seat together. Joshua pulled down his shorts. Not his underwear! Just his shorts. Then he put his pillow on his lap. Emily freaked out, rightfully so. Ron was livid, rightfully so. They stopped the car and waited while Joshua pulled his pants back up. When questioned his response was that they ‘wiggled down’ followed up with the excuse that he was hot. Ron had a serious conversation with Joshua regarding the criminality of the situation, the inappropriateness, the rudeness…disrespectful…yadda yadda. I wasn’t there so I don’t know the whole conversation. Ron went on for an hour on the phone poking at me with the same questions and statements over and over. “Has this happened before and you didn’t tell me, because that would be wrong.” I have disclosed all information with Ron about Joshua’s recent masturbation issues, as well as whatever else Joshua has been doing lately. Ron said that if this happens again that he will stick Joshua on a plane and send him home. He said that Emily is his daughter, he’s been her father for the last seven years and he is going to defend her. She loves and trusts him and he is not going to let her down. He talked about broken trust in Joshua and how can he ever rebuild that, what’s done is done. Welcome to our world, asshole. I expressed to Ron that Joshua breaks our trust often but we still have to get up and get him ready for school and cope with it day after day. I told him that he is this child’s father and he needs to deal with it. The phone call went on but I don’t want to detail it all out.

If he is not interested in being a father to his actual son and is ready to send him home when the first sign of trouble hits, then he needs to sign away his rights and get the fuck out of our lives. He wants to point fingers at someone else and be Emily’s superhero.

Disappointment. In Joshua. In Ron. In the way this has come out during our “vacation”.

I do not know my kid anymore. I don’t understand what has happened to him. I don’t know what to do with him. I already hate my ex and his reaction is not a surprise, but still always disappointing.

Thankfully I had therapy this morning. Could not have come at a better time! Libbi gave me a couple of numbers to call to help deal with Joshua’s sexual issues. They specialize in developmental delays and sexual behavior. We’ll see what they have to say when I call them next week. She reminded me what a fucker Ron is and that this is not a surprise, that I did well with how I responded to him and that I can have the conversation with him afterward about letting Joshua go completely if he cannot handle being a father to a special needs kid.

She also reminded me to lower my expectations for the coming week, to keep myself in the now and not in the past or in the future. My trigger of Joshua and my brother, Adam, have heightened even more now. Thankfully Joshua is away from me and I can deal with it better. Libbi taught me how to stay in the moment so that I can savor and enjoy where I am, enjoy my time with Jason and not speed the days up so quickly. She reminded me that the coping skill of always staying out of the moment and rushing forward was to protect myself and remove myself from where I was when I was being abused. Now I don’t have to do that anymore and I can learn how to be present.

One moment in the now that I have held onto since last night was Jason’s reaction to the whole situation. Only a couple of hours until his alarm went off, he talked to me and held me. He made me feel supported and safe. He knew, even in his drowsy state, that I needed him and he initiated his support. I didn’t have to ask, I didn’t have to wave a flag, he just pulled me into him and held me. He spoke his feelings.

What is happening in Florida is out of my control. There is nothing I can do about it. It is their responsibility. I will make my phone calls and listen to the experts’ suggestions. Other than that it is not something I can do anything about while Joshua is out of my care. What I can do is pay attention to Jason and myself and our time together. I can keep my expectations in check and stay in the moment. That is completely in my control. Right here, right now.