This is normal???

If only it was just a memory chip...


Oh darling PTSD, you and my amygdala are such close friends. It is rather annoying, however it is normal (so I am told) for it to flare up when you do. Partners in crime. For those who are not familiar with this brain structure…it appears to be at the very center of most of the brain events associated with fear. The amygdala seems to respond to severe traumas with an un-erasable fear response (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD). It seems to be genetically different and "wired" for a higher level of fear in some individuals, such as those with panic disorder. And it recently has been shown to be larger in some people with bipolar disorder, though what that means is still a mystery.

Libbi is an expert in this area. In fact she is going to share her slides with me that she uses when she gives lectures on this topic. She believes it will help me to understand myself better. I, she hopes, will stop saying that I am ‘going woohoo’ as I twirl my finger in the air above my head. She had told me that my amygdala is doing exactly what it is wired to do. This “lizard” part of my brain is reacting the way it is supposed to. Instead of explaining the levels of the brain and whatnot, just take my word for it that it is referred to as the “lizard” part of the brain even among scientists. This part is responsible for the “flee, freeze, fight” response. Massive amounts of stress chemicals are dumped into your system at one time.

My PTSD is a funny fellow. It is triggered off and on, without preparation and without my permission. When it does go off, like a psychotic alarm in my head, it can be a minor reaction or it can be a major one. This past weekend I had a major one.

Joshua triggered a massive PTSD response in me on Saturday. He is having some “yellow flag” behavior regarding masturbation. We are dealing with it in therapy. Until it is solved, however, it is a problem. With my history of sexual abuse, Joshua going through puberty is difficult for me. It brings memories of my abuser when he was this age and how things seemed to get more intense in those years. Joshua having this masturbation issue is only compounding the situation. I do not want to see these private moments of Joshua’s life. I think it is fine for him to explore, I am not a weirdo taboo parent. We are pretty open with our thinking. But I do not need to be involved in any of it. When Joshua chooses to masturbate in the living room with me in the other room, it is not okay.

I came out of the bathroom and there he was in all his glory. I screamed his name and he quickly pulled up his pants. I sent him to his room and told him he could not come out until I said so.

Then it happened. I went back in time. My frontal lobe shut off completely. I locked the bathroom door. I turned the hot water on in the shower, as hot as I could stand it. I stepped inside and scrubbed. And scrubbed. And scrubbed. I had a layer of dirt on me that would not come off. A film that sat on my skin like black slime from an oil spill. I scrubbed until I was red. I turned the hot water up more. I cried. The tears just came down and I sobbed. I clawed at my skin. I wanted the feeling off of me. I raked my nails down my arms and across my chest and shoulders and neck. I had to get my skin off because it was so gross and dirty. I cried until my eyes burned. I heard a knock. I was afraid. I asked who it was. Jason had come home. I stepped out and unlocked the door and stepped back as quickly as I could. I held my towel across my body, clenched in my fists. Jason asked questions. I cried. I told him what happened. He held me. I was not there mentally, emotionally. I was someplace far away. I remember saying that I was afraid and I asked Jason if Joshua would be like Adam. I was scared he would do to Emily (Ron’s 15 yr old step daughter) what was done to me. I cried. I wanted to scream. I wanted to tear my skin off. Jason assured me that it would be okay and that Joshua would not end up doing that. I tried to dry off but the film was still there. I couldn’t get that damn feeling off of me. Jason took me into our bedroom. He went to talk to Joshua about everything. Somewhere along the way I got dressed, though I don’t remember that part at all. I stood in the room and waited for Jason to return. I heard raised voices. Jason came back and was angry. He was frustrated. His anger rose and I got scared. I wanted to run away. But I froze. I wanted to duck and hide and protect myself but I froze. I wanted to throw my arms up over my face so that it wouldn’t get punched but I was frozen in place with my arms glued to my sides. In my head I was gone. I was in another place and another time again. I had jumped from one trauma to another. Jason held me and apologized. I sort of remember crying and buzzing. This weird sound through my teeth like I was trying to clench my jaw together so I wouldn’t scream. Jason continued to hold me and talk to me. I don’t know what he said. I think he was still apologizing. I looked at his face and he was someone else. I touched his cheeks and kept repeating that it was Jason. I started to see him again. I said over and over again that I was here and not there, that this was my house, that I was okay. I am here and not there. Here and not there. I was able to put my arms around Jason. After a minute or two he let go and moved to another part of the room. I started floating away. My body was leaving the ground and I was going to hit the ceiling. I was frightened. I managed to tell Jason that he needed to come back and hold me because I was going to float away. He immediately came back and held me until I felt grounded. Then as he moved around the room so did I. I kept my back to the wall and turned my body whatever direction he was in. I didn’t realize it at first but then I was asking myself what was happening to me. It was automatic. I was keeping a watch of where he was in relation to my line of sight. I kept my eyes on the door as well. It was another way that the lizard part of my brain was taking over. Small short movements to keep watch for possible danger. I then went into the mode of what I was taught growing up. Keep quiet, keep the peace, don’t rock the boat and all will be fine. I told Jason that if I had just ignored Joshua, not said anything that everything would be okay. If I would just not have paid attention to anything but what I was doing. If I had kept my mouth shut. I was sorry for creating such a scene.

A few minutes passed and my frontal lobe switched back on. I was able to realize where I was and what I was doing. I couldn’t shake the feeling for a while. Libbi said that is the leftover stress chemicals in your body and if you drink a lot of water it will help to flush them out of your system. She also taught me how to ground myself and bring me back to my frontal lobe sooner if I am able to remember the steps at the time.

I moved through the rest of the day in a numb state, but I was present in the moment. I haven’t had an experience like that in a long time. The last time I stepped into that dark pool of muck was when my mother had Sonny in her apartment and I had my mini breakdown.

Libbi reminded me that with our discussion I was able to remember a lot of details that I could not remember before. She pointed out how I did not cut or harm myself in any way. I was able to not resort to old coping skills. That my reaction was normal and my brain was doing what it is supposed to do in a triggered situation.

It’s amazing how unbelievably insane I can feel and then hear that what happened was totally normal. If you call all of that normal then what the hell is crazy like???