Us and Them

Who am I? A question I ask myself all of the time. Behind the mask, what lies beneath? I know that I am different. I am unique. I am not you. Sometimes I’m not myself, whoever that is.

As much as “we” try in this progressive modern world of ours to be united and accepting of all people, we fail miserably so much of the time. It’s not overtly done, it’s not screamed from the rooftops, but it’s there. There is an unspoken, and sometimes quietly spoken, feeling of separation. Differences can be hard to understand and accept. Ignorance creates fear. Instead of asking questions about what we do not know or having intelligent conversational exchanges, we climb onto our high horse and demand that the universe know we are right. It’s like a bunch of Grand and Powerful Oz’s running around, blindly bumping into their own “rightness”. Remember the next part of that? The drape is pulled back and we are told to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Reality check?

I have friends who use racist words and sayings that I do not. I have friends who have beliefs in religion that I do not. I have friends who have opinions and views that I do not. I have friends with illnesses that I do not have. And all of this is vice versa as well. That is part of life. The problem comes in when those differences turn from uniqueness to opposition or fear or misunderstanding. It is all in how it is presented and perceived.

Earlier this week I had a meeting at our Commerce City office. I am on the planning committee for the adult holiday party at the center. I walked up to the front desk and asked for Heather. The response from the receptionist was “Are you one of us?”. I knew what she meant. How should I answer that? Yes? I am one of Us and one of Them.

I went upstairs to the meeting. We sat around and discussed what activities we will have and food and gifts. I know that people who have not been exposed to ones with mental illness probably have preconceived notions about what they (we) are like. One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is not the norm, just to let you know. We crazies aren’t as scary as that, at least not those of us who are in society. The new volunteer had set up some sort of scene in her head that was a bit of a shock to the rest of us sitting around the table. She had suggested that we get pinwheel sandwiches with toothpicks in them. She followed that up quickly with “are sharp objects a problem? Will toothpicks be dangerous?”. Wow. Really? Yes, toothpicks are pretty scary. Our nutballs will poke your eyes out with them if you sit still long enough. We assured her that no one there will be dangerous. If you fear for your life then why are you volunteering at a mental health facility? Just wondering. But, I digress. The meeting continued and soon our volunteer piped up with, “there will be hand sanitizers everywhere, right?”. Wow. Really? We all just kind of looked at her in silence. We reminded her that our clients will either get completely OCD with them or ignore them all together. You are not going to get the results you are wanting. Anything else freak-a-phobe? She wondered if having their pictures taken with Santa would be fun. Wow. Really? I don’t even know what to say to that one. Yes, a huge percentage of our adult clients are delayed, mostly due to medication, others due to illness. It’s one thing to have them decorate their own ornaments and make cards at the craft table, it’s another thing to have them pose with Santa Claus! They are not infants. They will think they’ve stepped into the damn twilight zone. (sigh) I know I get riled up about this topic, but I do wish that the lack of knowledge came across more as curiosity than assumptions.

There is another part of my life that is Us and Them. Religion. I love theology. Learning about religions and cultures and traditions is fascinating. To me, learning is a sharing of knowledge. There is a give and take involved. There are personal beliefs but they are treated with respect and handled with care. Religious conversations are touchy. If you can come at it with a healthy curiosity instead of a concrete brick you will have a much more enjoyable experience. Of course, that pretty much goes for anything. Religion brings out some really bad attitudes in people. We can see that from all of the bloodshed over hundreds of years around the world in the name of God. For some reason the topic that is supposed to bring love and joy into our hearts makes people really rather rude.

I am Jewish. Surprise! I am the only Jew for a hundred miles, at least it feels that way. Where I come from it is such a melting pot of people that no one thinks twice about whether you are Jewish or not. It is common to see elderly people with numbers tattooed on their forearms. You can buy Kosher food at any regular grocery store. Passover necessities are not just a three item shelf at the end of the Asian/Mexican aisle. There is a feeling of belonging. Being in a place where one Jewish person meets another Jewish person and goes into shock is difficult. I love when someone asks me about Judaism. I enjoy teaching what I know and if I don’t know then I want to find out. I want to hear what others believe and hope they are willing to answer my questions. Can we do that without feeling threatened in some way?

I had an experience regarding religion. A lovely late afternoon chat somehow morphed into religion. At first it seemed innocent, harmless. There was some fair exchange. Then it got weird. The air became thick and tense and I could feel it press on my body. I found it hard to breathe around it. One lady questioned where my Jewish bloodline came from. Mother or Father? I hate this question. Immediately I know that when I answer I will be met with bullshit. My Jewish blood is from my father’s side. Yes, I know that most religions are carried through the mother’s blood line. An odd concept for me anyway because how a religion is passed in blood is unknown to me or to science. Nevertheless, this is how it is judged. I have spent many years at war with this issue inside of myself. I have sought council from various rabbis to hear what they believe or what they have studied regarding where I stand in the Jewish religion. I am not Orthodox, could never be, not because of my blood line because you can always convert, but because I would never have the amount of self discipline needed to pull that off. I am not conservative like the rest of my Jewish family is because I was raised with two religions in my home and continue to live as such. I would say I have taken more pagan customs with me rather than the religious parts of Christianity. Plus, I love bacon. I am a reform Jew. It is pretty much what Jesus was toward the end of his life. After telling my religious bloodline to this lady she proudly announced that she knew that I could not become an Israeli citizen automatically under my Jewish faith. For those who do not know of this situation it is called The Law of Return. I can’t say that I ever really wanted to be a citizen of Israel. Have you seen the guns the police and military carry in the streets on a regular basis? I love Israel and I respect what it means to Jewish people. It is important to me in many ways. But I don’t want to live there. However, having her announce this to me (and the others in the room) made me feel a bit small. Then the conversation turned to the bible being a book of stories or literal writings? This same woman happens to be believe in the literal interpretation of the bible. Well, as it all boiled down, “Jesus is God” was the final statement of the day. I know what comes next. It always does. It’s the natural flow if people continue talking. Jesus is God, plain and simple. But, Jesus is not my God. So, now is the part where you tell me that I am going to Hell, right? Those who say they believe in the bible whole heartedly and literally make me laugh. This lady, for instance, apparently does not realize that there are approximately 800 ‘commands’ in the New Testament alone, that is not including the big 10 (613 more ‘commandments’ in the Old Testament if you believe they have not been abolished) that you must obey to lead a good life. She would be a very busy person if she truly followed the bible’s laws.

I was already put off by the concrete brick way of thinking but when the “Jesus is God” statements started I was ready to bow out. I did not fit in there. I was outside the circle. Usually I handle this stuff pretty well. You have to form a thick layer of skin for these things when you are not in the majority religion. Judaism is one place where I can stand tall and proud and not let this kind of crap affect me. For some reason today I was emotional. Maybe it was the company I was in. Maybe I wanted to feel more like part of the circle than I did. We’d already prayed before we ate which threw me off. I was not prepared because we had never done that before when I had been around. Maybe that is what shook up my reserve. So I took my leave directly after Jesus was declared to be Lord. When I got into my car I cried. I have no idea why. All I wanted to do was go home, fall into Jason’s arms and have him tell me that I am okay just the way I am. I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. I was upset with myself for getting emotional about it all. Of course that helped immensely. Ha!

There are so many places in our lives when we feel separated from others. For many people in my life, we are separated from the norm because of our children’s disorders. We are a small group that have to band together because no one else “gets it”. Then there are those of us who have a mental illness. Those of us who have a minority religion. Is somebody right in all of this? Is there a correct answer? Do crazy people poke other’s eyes out with toothpicks? What if God is just a massive swirling pile of energy? What if we were put here by aliens and they are the great miracle? Do you need hand sanitizer to keep yourself clean of the mentally ill cooties?

I’m mentally ill. I am Jewish with admittedly no clue as to what the answers to life are. I have a kid with lots of issues. I’m a human who is not defined by what I pray or not pray to and what or how many meds I take to keep me from poking people’s eyes out with toothpicks.

Us and Them. Which one are you?