All in Good Time

I used to be able to jump at a moment’s notice. I would drop things and go. I think I got that from my brother. He was a free spirit when he was younger. Living in FL, it was quite common to just decide one Friday after work/school to jump in the car and drive to the Keys with just the clothes you had on. There were so many times that a friend would call and say “let’s go down to the beach tonight and hang out”. There was usually never a question as to whether I would go or not. It was a given. Want to swing by after school and order a pizza? In college it was no holds barred. That was the most free I have ever been in my life. I stretched my wings and gathered new experiences. I met interesting people, debated the affairs of the world, laughed and cried. I drank, I danced, I laid on the grass and made cloud pictures with friends. My spontaneity and lack of discipline put me on academic probation. I wanted to run and jump and play. I wanted to drink myself into oblivion. I wanted to stay up all night at the clubs. I wanted to cruise the streets and blast music. It was freedom. I had no money worries, no job to deal with, no one holding me back. I lived. I had some serious shit going on too. A lot of bad things happened in those days. But, no matter what, I held the world in my hands.


Then, just like my brother, when I gave birth to my child I signed a new contract. My brother and his wife spent a year traveling the USA before they had children. They sold everything but their car and left. They went from FL to Alaska and everywhere in between. They would pick up a job for a few days to get money and then move on. We hardly ever heard from them. They returned after a year and settled down. They bought a house and had two kids. They shifted into the next phase of their lives. Perhaps one that they will shift into once more when the kids are grown and established on their own. It will be different, as it should be. But it will be a new type of freedom.

I had my son and my life shifted into a new phase. I no longer had the opportunity to run and jump and play in the same way as before. The experiences I had between college and childbirth also put a huge damper on my free spirit. I had become a frightened child in a world that was way too big and overwhelming for me to exist in. Childhood experiences flooded back to me that stomped me down further into my hole. My college time of living free was gone.

Now I am here. I am a mother and a wife and a woman trying to climb her way back to a place of strength and coping. I work hard in therapy and on my own. It’s a struggle. It’s a battle. It has its rewards and its pain. I have come a long way in the last few years. I have started to stretch my wings little by little. It’s uncomfortable and scary as hell, but I push myself when I can.

I talk often in therapy about wanting freedom back. About wanting to run and jump and play like I once did. I dream of being able to be the true me, my authentic self.

For my entire life I gave my control over to everyone and anything else. With that I also handed over my power. It was a dangerous combination, but it was what I had to do to survive. Now, I need that control and power back. Part of doing that is controlling my environment. With that in mind, spontaneity is difficult. For me, being spontaneous and daring is as simple as deciding at the last minute to sit in public with my back to the door. Or driving someplace by myself. Both are big deals for me. When you have PTSD, throwing yourself out into the world without a plan for protection is the same as suicide.

Adding to that is the fact that I have a special needs child. He cannot be left alone. So anything “grown up” requires planning for his care. My “grown up” time is few and far between.

It is all very suffocating. A friend of mine has felt the same type of thing. Trapped in life, unable to break free and fly with outstretched wings, breathing in fresh cool air. Afraid that the crushing reality of life will steal my breath and leave me lifeless. I want to be Thelma or Louise, either one would do. Let it all go, drive as far as you can drive, don’t look back. I can’t do it. Not yet. I’m not as ready as I’d like to be. The world still threatens to swallow me up. The monsters are still out there and I am not armed like I want to be in order to protect myself. Not yet.

Right now, the how, when, where, and who are my armor. Jason is my rock.

I would go back to the feeling of my college freedom in a heart beat. But, I’m not that person anymore. I’ve been battered and beaten and chewed up and torn apart. I’ve had my mind and body taken over by traumas. I no longer drink to forget or pretend. I have bills and responsibilities that all the money goes to.

Freedom is out there. I want it. I have the taste of it lingering on my tongue from years ago. I remember the adrenalin like a perfume that blows on the breeze. I will have it again. Right now freedom is learning to live this new life. It’s one I have never lived before. For 35 years I was in “survival mode”. Now I’m learning how not to be. I am learning how to be free.

I take it step by step, sometimes baby ones and sometimes huge ones. If it gets too overwhelming I need to bow out. I suppose my word “Discovery” is pretty true for this topic. I have discovered that I am a planner, that I need to take it slow and that it’s okay to be this way.

At least for now.